Progress...

Progress...I say this like Coldplay's Chris Martin in the song "Scientist"..."Pro-gress"

ANYWAY...

After another early morning trip up to Portland and back, my hCG was 688! It was 268 on Christmas Eve, just 3 days ago. Dr. Stoelk seemed encouraged that the numbers are doing what they're supposed to, but he said the next big important check mark is seeing the baby and the heartbeat on ultrasound. I made my appointment this morning! January 7th! That's 11 days away. I don't have to do anymore blood tests until then (can I get an AMEN!) but he still has me supplementing Progesterone. I will only have to do 5 more injections of the oil (every 3 days), but I will continue the capsules most likely until my second trimester. Ughgagh. Oh well. Only 7ish more weeks! Haha. I can do anything for this sweet baby girl! ;)

I'm feeling really good. Normal. Tired, yes - but great overall. I still don't FEEL anything. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I'm pregnant. People are reading this blog and coming up to me and saying "Congratulations!!!!!" and I feel like I just look at them blankly. Care Bear Stare. I'm caught off guard and for a split second, almost confused. Of course, I know what they're talking about - but I'm still struggling with the disconnect. I need to see that heartbeat. I need to see the baby. I need proof! I'm sorry if you've talked to me in person about this and I seemed reserved and didn't leap for joy out of excitement. It will come...it's just on a delay of sorts. 11 days...

5 Weeks.

I ran down to the lab Christmas Eve for another blood test. My hCG was 268! Over double again! She's a fighter, I tell you! Maybe more than a fighter, she's just lazy and does things on her own time, haha. I would like to think that the low numbers correlate to her being an easy, laid back baby. She's not in a rush to do her thing. She's just happy hanging out, warm and comfy, letting her cozy bubble do all the work. Maybe after all we've been through to actually GET pregnant, God will bless us with a super easy pregnancy, delivery, and baby! Wishful thinking, yes?! Just let me live in that delusion, ok?! It's going to be fantastic.

Even though the numbers continue to rise, the doctor still used the words "cautiously optimistic." He would like to run one final blood test tomorrow morning. I will have to go up to Portland again for this one, because he also wants to keep me on the awful Progesterone oil shots. My body must be getting somewhat used to them though because my bum and legs haven't ached as bad as that very first dose, so although it's not a cake walk, it's certainly better than it was. He has me on these shots every other day now, but will drop me down to every 3rd day. Nurse Danny gave me one today, so my next one won't be until Sunday now. We're alternating cheeks at least, so that helps a little too ;)

If everything looks good on tomorrow's blood test results, then I should be all set to do our first fetal ultrasound the first full week of January...maybe the 6th or 7th. Although the waiting has seemed relentless at times, this overall process has really FLOWN by looking back. I mean, technically, I am 5 weeks pregnant today! When did that happen?! It's definitely a blessing in this moment to be able to say that. AND to say that I feel great so far! The cramping has ceased, no nausea yet (please, oh please stay that way) and my bloating is nearly gone! In fact, when I told the doctor yesterday that I felt great and my bloating was nearly non-existent, he was shocked! He said that being as responsive as I was to IVF, I may be one of the very few that just narrowly avoided OHSS and we walked the very fine line of OHSS misery and balancing the hormones just perfectly enough that I came out of this without experiencing the symptoms! Wow. Amazing. In fact, I feel so normal, that I'm struggling to connect to the fact that I'm technically pregnant. Not that I forget, but it still doesn't feel real yet. I've looked at baby things at every store and website I've been to, but I just can't bring myself to buy anything to celebrate this wee one just yet. A reserve. I know seeing that little flutter of a heartbeat on the ultrasound in a couple of weeks will help connect things emotionally for me. Things will click and it will become much more real for me - maybe that's the realist in me. I have faith God will give me the desires of my heart with this little babe, but seeing that heartbeat - that tangible evidence of LIFE, will connect the heartstrings I've been waiting for. Until then, more waiting of course!

Still 'A Little Bit Pregnant'...

My hCG level on Wednesday was only 16. I went up to Portland Friday for another blood test and when the doctor called with my results, my hCG was 48. It TRIPLED! My Progesterone level also went up to a healthy level, from a lowly 4, to 33!

Praise the Lord!

However - Dr. Stoelk was very very clear that my hCG is still about half of what they like to see at this point and I will need to continue supplementing the Progesterone. More awful shots and capsules (Not oral. Gag). As long as the numbers increase, he is "more hopeful" and said things look "somewhat promising"...he doesn't sugar coat. At all. No false hope, but he said he was very pleased with my numbers and the amount they increased. He said that's a great sign, but nothing is guaranteed yet, of course. They will continue to monitor me closely, and I will retest again tomorrow morning - making sure that my hCG level continues to rise. MOOOOOOOOORE waiting. I'm getting really good at it actually! I'm mastering the art of distraction! He's calling in the orders to the Salem Clinic Lab for tomorrow, so luckily I don't have to drive all the way up to Portland again for a 5 minute blood draw. I am hoping he calls with the results by tomorrow afternoon. Timing isn't ideal, being that it's Christmas Eve and all, but he is so diligent and said he would call from home so he doesn't keep me waiting any longer than necessary. I heart him.

So, that's all I've got this post. I am still pregnant. I am still waiting.

Thank you for the positive comments, encouragement, and prayers!! I have been blessed by every comment, message, email, and text. Thank you.

Hurry Up and Wait...

Our first pregnancy test was yesterday. To put it simply, we just don't know yet.

We went in really early yesterday for the blood test, testing my hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) and Progesterone levels. I got a call a few hours later. The doctor's assistant who also happens to be his daughter (I love how small and family focused this clinic is!) called to tell me my pregnancy test was POSITIVE. She quickly added, that my Progesterone levels were VERY low, so I needed to come back in immediately for a shot of Progesterone. Progesterone is the hormone our bodies naturally produce during pregnancy to help with implantation of the embryo and sustaining the pregnancy. Luckily, we were still in Portland, so we hopped back in the car and drove back over to their office.

Now, let me tell you about these Progesterone Oil shots. THEY.ARE.MISERABLE. I got one of these on transfer day and my whole butt cheek and leg throbbed for 3 days. Imagine a body builder of a man punching you straight on the side of your hip/butt cheek. Dead leg! It doesn't look bruised, but it feels like it! Well, I went back in yesterday and got one in EACH side. She also sent an additional one home for Danny to give me today. That's 3 in 24 hours. Ugh. When we went back in, I asked her the details of my levels. She said, they like to see Progesterone levels at 20+. Mine was at 4. Then I asked her about the hCG level - she said mine was a 16.2 and that was on the lower side too, but anything over a 5 is considered a positive test. Ok! I felt pretty good about that! So, I started calling family and my immediate friends to update them that I was pregnant. I was still in shock, but everyone knew Wednesday was test day, so they were checking in wanting to know.

This morning my phone rings at 7:30am, - it's Dr Stoelk. He called so he could explain in detail his concern with my levels upon this first test.

Ok.

He said I have what they refer to as a "barely there" pregnancy. They like to see the hCG level over 30 at this point...mine was just over half of that, at 16. He says I registered as "pregnant" but the levels should double every 2 days at this point, so we really won't know anything until they retest Friday morning. So, I go back up first thing tomorrow. If my hCG doubles, that's great news, but that just means we continue with more waiting and more testing. If the number does not increase, then the pregnancy is most likely a false positive and not viable. He told me that hCG is the hormone that is produced by the placenta. If the baby is growing, then so does the placenta, then the number naturally increases. If if doesn't increase, well - you get it. He said he has seen women test as low as 7 before and it turned into a viable pregnancy, so anything is possible, but he was also clear not to get my hopes up until we are able to give it more time and see the test results - especially tomorrow's test.

So...in the words of Dr. Stoelk, "Once again, we hurry up and wait." In all honestly, that should be the slogan of IVF.

We will know a lot more by tomorrow afternoon, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a little defeated tonight. My patience is waning. Quickly. I just want to know either way. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm done. I know God has a plan regardless of the outcome, and I am encouraged to know we have 15 embryos waiting in the freezer for us, but I just want to be happy and excited and I just can't be. Not yet anway. One more step. One more day...

The Unspoken

Last night, I was chatting with my oldest childhood friend, Chelsea. She has known me the longest out of all of my friends, going on 23 years now, and has often times been a voice of reason and insight in my life. She has always been quick to listen and slow to give advice; a true friend. She was checking in and asking how I was feeling. I think initially, she may have meant physically, but quickly into our conversation, I found myself pouring out the emotions I am currently experiencing...thoughts that I hadn't verbalized to anyone through this process yet.

First of all, IVF patients don't get the romance of conceiving a child naturally. We have already tried and tried on our own. Not just trying - I mean, trying. Charting ovulation. Obsessively. With a calendar. With a phone app. With a thermometer. With an ovulation predictor kit that costs approximately $5 a pee stick. With hope and a prayer. For months. Each month of trying, we experienced disappointment after disappointment. This disappointment is what eventually leads us down a path that winds up with us sitting in a fertility clinic learning about our "options." We don't wake up one day and say, "Hey, you know what would be really fun? Let's put our bodies through hell and our emotions on a roller coaster so a doctor can make our baby in a petri dish! Oh, and it only costs $12,000 a round with no guarantees! Sign us up!" No. Instead, there is already a significant amount of sadness and grief that has preceeded this decision and journey.

The IVF process is unnatural. If you lay out the simple facts, it sounds like a sci-fi movie...

They pump you full of drugs by daily injections.
They harvest your eggs.
They take sperm and inject it into your eggs.
They wait to see if cells start multiplying.
Then they select the best looking embryo and put it back into your body, hoping it implants and you have a baby in 40 weeks.

Totally sci-fi, right? Haha. SO romantic.

IVF is so clinical, so methodical, so calculated, so, well...medical. I'm struggling with a disconnect. It doesn't feel real. Chelsea pointed out that it's my coping mechanism - to protect myself from the emotional whiplash if this round fails. That maybe my emotions will just be a little delayed to what my body is doing. And that's ok. She's right. I haven't let myself really feel much of anything other than relief each time we move on to the next step. I've been too analytical about this process...waiting for the facts to surface each step of the way, only to move on to the next step and wait for the facts again. It will work or it won't. I've only cried once this entire process and it lasted maybe 15 seconds. I have put up a wall. I'd rather feel nothing until it's positive, than allow myself to feel now with the potential for yet another disappointment. Perhaps I'm trying to be too strong. She encouraged me to give myself some grace, emotionally. She reminded me this is not a common journey and that "comparison is the thief of joy" and I need to let God bless us because he has a plan and will use this journey no matter what. I needed those words. I will try to allow myself the joy of this journey too, instead of just bracing for the facts. I mean really - I already have a picture of her!! This process is a miracle! I need to revel in that and savor the unknown while it is just that. Wednesday will be here soon enough.

Thank you, Chelsea for your words. Love you, friend.

Day One, Post Transfer.

When the doctor called yesterday morning about 9:30, we only had 4, "primo" embryos ready for possible transfer. The plan as of 9:30am, was to transfer 2, and freeze 2. There was no way to know if the others would develop or not, so we were willing to take the chance and try for 2.

By our appointment time at 2pm, the doctor came in and told us we had more options. From the time they looked earlier that morning, until the moment we were sitting in the transfer room, we had 8 more develop to "primo" status - totaling 12 embryos. Huge success!! He was also very real with us. We talked about a condition called OHSS - Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. Women who are hugely responsive to the hormones through the IVF process and over-produce eggs, are often times at a higher risk for developing this. I am in this category. They harvested 41 eggs from my body last week - that means my ovaries grew to the size of large grapefruits. With OHSS, they continue to get bigger and in his words are "on their way to small cantelopes" (from that hyper-stimulation) and this can often times lead to debilitating bloating and pain. He said if I get pregnant with this transfer, he guarantees OHSS and if I get pregnant with twins, he guarantees misery. This syndrome only lasts about a month from the sounds of it, but because it can be so painful, he really encouraged us to just transfer 1. He said if it were honestly up to him, he probably would have us freeze all of them and wait for my body to heal and then transfer in February at their next cycle. Ultimately, it was our call. Temporary misery with potential complications, or play it safe. Since Danny was terrified of twins anyway, we compromised with 1 embryo. Danny had to promise (with Dr. Stoelk as our witness) that he would be open to another baby down the road if it meant we wouldn't have to have 2 babies at once. Ok. Fine. Deal :) The doctor was very honest with us also and said based on the amount of embryos we have left, that he nearly guaranteed (oh, say 90% sure) that we would never have to go through the whole "harvesting" process again and the success rate with FETs (frozen embryo transfers) is very high!

1 embryo it is! We have to walk our talk, and trust God has a plan for this very tiny, sweet, single embryo. Dr. Stoelk confirmed we made the right decision going with 1. He guided the catheter into my uterus via ultrasound, and we got to see the little flick of air and liquid when he deposited the embryo into my body!


See the little dot of white at the tip of the arrow...kind of the shape of a grain of rice? That's it!!!

Before I even got up from the transfer, Dr. Stoelk asked to pray over us and our embryo! It was a beautiful prayer and such a blessing to us to be under the care of a doctor who clearly believes in God's ultimate timing and will. It was a really special moment for both of us.

Baby's First Picture!! Not everyone gets a picture of their embryo at a microscopic level! Amazing!!


There SHE is! See the pink bow?! Hehe. Of course, you can't really tell the sex at this stage, but we are all routing for a girl :) The compact mass of cells in the center is the baby! The darker ring around these cells inside is what will become the placenta. See the bubble on the left side? That is the blastocyst busting through the "shell"...the baby will break through and be looking for a cushy place to burrow and implant within the next few days! If my uterus is suitable, the embryo will implant and we will have a postive pregnancy test next Wednesday morning - a week from today! More waiting!

Meanwhile, I'm bracing myself for more bloating either way. My ovaries are still currently the size of large grapefruits and I look pregnant already. Very pregnant. This may mean people think I'm a lot further along than I actually am if the pregnancy takes, but it's all part of the process! I may be buying a belly-band very soon :)

This morning we had 4 more embryos reach "primo" status. We decided to add them to the freezer with their siblings. We now have a grand total of 15 freezer babies waiting for us!

This process has been absolutely fascinating. What a blessing to have this opportunity! We are nowhere near completing this journey, but each step has been so rewarding and I believe God will grant us the desire of our hearts!

Transfer Day!

A lot can change in just a day with developing embryos. The doctor called today and out of the 12 strong embryos we had as of Sunday, only 4 of them are "primo" and have made it to the blastocyst stage and are eligible and ready for transfer.

Today at 2pm, we are transferring 2 of those into my uterus. We will freeze the remaining 2.

There are 6-8 that are still potentially growing, but the others are out of the running. The doctor said a few more might make it to the blastocyst stage from this slower group and we can freeze them tomorrow, but they will not all make it, if any.

It only takes 1.

God is in total control and we are entrusting these babies in his hands. He knows their future, he already knows their faces, their fingerprints, and the number of hairs on their heads...

I believe we serve an amazing God that has so much more in store for us - more than we could ever even dream for ourselves. Praying for HIS will. HIS plan. Praying for healthy, strong, normal, smart, beautiful babies.

It only takes 1.

He's got the whole world in HIS hands!

Embryo Update

The doctor called yesterday with an embryo update for us!

Day 3, post fertilization:

22 embryos left!
12/22 are at the 6-8 cellular division stage.
10/22 are at the 4-6 cellular division stage.



Check out this handy link below. We are doing a "5 Day Transfer" and here's what will happen...

Embryo Development Chart

Our pregnancy blood test will be December 18th. Wow.

THE CALL

Less than 10 minutes after posting my "Ball of Nerves" post, the doctor called! Of course, I had to get a hold of Danny first before posting this...

Our prayers worked!

41 eggs were harvested
33 were mature
26 of them fertilized

26!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, Jesus.

Although this is an extremely high number of fertilized eggs, this does not mean we will get 26 embryos. Not all of them will develop to the stage they need to be at to be viable for transfer. The good news is, so many of them fertilized, we should have a good selection to choose from. As long as everything else goes according to plan and I recover properly from the harvest, the (2) best of the best embryos, will be transferred into my uterus on Tuesday!

And then we wait again...

Thank you for all of the prayers! I believe whole-heartedly they made a difference! One more huge step forward and our journey continues...

Ball of Nerves...

Harvest was a HUGE success yesterday!! 41 eggs. 41!!!! That is nearly triple the average! I am feeling a little sore, bloated, and crampy this morning, but overall, pretty good! I feel much better than I expected to feel - so good in fact, I'm at work as I write this. Today is so quiet and slow due to an unexpected snowfall this morning that has continued throughout the day. I don't mind it. I think I will call it an early day though and close up shop soon. Stretchy pants, soft pillows, and a good movie or two are calling my name. I could use a good distraction anyway...

I'm sitting here, waiting for the phone to ring. The doctor will be calling today to tell us how many of our healthy, mature eggs fertilized last night. We are really nervous about this though because he didn't think there would be enough sperm to fertilize them all. He even had Danny try again - not a good sign! We left feeling really unsure and anxious about it. I am a ball of nerves for that phone to ring. If nothing fertilized, it's game over. All of those shots, hormones, harvesting - for nothing. I can't think that way though. I must be positive! I must pray continually. We only need a few good embryos, and I keep reminding myself: it ONLY TAKES ONE! God is in control. I have to release the worry and know he will provide. He's got the whole world in His hands. Those babies are in His hands! In the meantime, I will watch the snowfall and seek peace in the stillness. God is good.

Harvest Day!

Today is the day that our babies are made. At 3:45pm today, my eggs will be harvested. Shortly following their retrieval, using a process called ICSI, the embryologist will inject one of Danny's single, healthy sperm into each egg, fertilizing every single mature and ready egg. In the lab. Lab babies! This is surreal to me. It is a miracle that science has come this far! We will know by tomorrow how many eggs took and are fertilized and growing. We will know a few days after that how many viable embryos we have. I have A LOT of eggs. A few dozen. Twice the average amount. My ovaries are the size of grapefruits!!!! Although I am extremely uncomfortable and bloated to say the least, this is still an amazing answer to prayer and will only increase our odds. This could mean a lot of embryos - or none at all. There are so many variables! We are praying for embryos. Healthy, strong, growing, perfect embryos. It only takes one. This is a big day. God is in control! I am ready. For today is the day our babies are made.

Fertile Myrtle

I had an ultrasound early Saturday morning and again today to take a peek at my ovaries to see if my egg sacks are looking plump and plentiful. Harvest is just days away. I will have an ultrasound each morning this week until it's time. The doctor was pleasantly surprised by how MANY egg sacks I have...even more today than we could see on Saturday! The goal is about 15-18. I have nearly 30!

This is my actual utlrasound from this morning.

See the web-looking design on the left half? Those are my egg sacks on just one ovary. There's about 14-15 visible in this shot alone.

What does this mean? The good and the bad...

The great news is, that I responded so well to the hormone injections, that if everything goes well with the ICSI process once they acquire Danny's contribution, that I will have plenty of 'reserve' embryos and God willing, will never have to undergo a harvest again. Although, this does NOT mean we will have 30 embryos. I want to make that clear. It just means we have more chances at creating healthy embryos due to my fertile output - more eggs to attempt to fertilize. It is possible a few of these egg sacks might even be empty, and certainly not all of them contain viable genetic make-up. They will attempt to fertilize each healthy egg, but some of them will die off before cellular division occurs, and some of them will die off because there are genetic abnormalities upon fertilization or some just may be weak. The more eggs they have to work with, the higher our chances are at having healthy embryos with enough left over to freeze. They will select the healthiest 2 embryos to transfer back into my uterus next week.

The bad news is, I will experience much more bloating and discomfort than the average IVF patient. I already feel huge, and he said it will get worse. Ladies - imagine how bloated you feel on your period after your body has released just 1 egg. Now, basically multiply that by a bazillion 30. Yep! That's how I feel right now! I look about 5 months pregnant. Please appreciate the look of discomfort on my face. Haha...

My egg sacks measured about 12mm on average today. The goal is about 15-16mm for harvest. On average, they grow about 2mm a day, but mine are currently growing a little slower than average. The doctor is estimating my harvest date for this Thursday. He will confirm with a phone call later today after my blood work results come back.

I will continue with my normal dosage of injections each night, so my egg sacks will continue to grow reaching their target size for Thursday. I have my trigger shot mixed and loaded. I'm just waiting on the green light :)

Countdown is on. Praying for a successful retrieval of the healthy eggs, and that they take to ISCI and fertilize! Babies, here we come!

The Portland Spirit Dinner Cruise

Thanksgiving 2013!

This year, we continued with a tradition we started last year: The Portland Spirit Thanksgiving Day Dinner Cruise.



Our table and view...




Once again, the food did not disappoint. It was truly fantastic! We ate until our belly's ached - maximum capacity was reached! Danny especially...This time last year, he was so so sick, that he could hardly eat, and I honestly don't think he has much recollection of our holidays at all. It was exactly one year ago today, that he was admitted into the hospital needing fluids, antibiotics, and a blood transfusion. A Colectomy a few looong days later and 2 other surgeries over the span of 6 months were a result from this hospital stay. Look how far we've come! Yesterday, Danny not only ate 2 full plates of holiday food, but he followed that up with 5, I repeat, 5 pieces of cheesecake. I had to document it...


Although freezing cold, the day was clear, sunny, and beautiful! Here's our view from the boat...



Then Ty started feeling nauseous...


We tried going outside on the upper deck for some fresh air and sunshine. He got to steer the boat, so it wasn't total misery!


Back inside, the fresh air hadn't helped. He threw up twice during our cruise. Luckily he made it into the bathroom, so he didn't ruin the cruise for the other guests, but the last half of the cruise was a little rough for him. We all ate the same meal, so my guess is that this was just total coincidence and really bad timing for the flu bug. No fun! :(



Poor guy! He slept the whole ride home...


This last little gem is a side shot of me after dinner. Stretchy pants were a matter of LIFE.OR.DEATH. Now - remember the doctor telling me I will bloat a little as my ovaries plump up for harvest? Uh huh - NO KIDDING! Look at this belly!!! Although, I have been really lucky and have not experienced any of the crazy, emotional side-effects of the hormone injections, I'd say he was right about this. I look 6 months pregnant! UGH. I'm going to POP! Haha. Thank God, harvest is just a few days away and I can stop the (plumping) injections soon! There is an end in sight! Hopefully 6 months from now I will look like this again, only there will be a baby inside :)

Puppy Face

Last weekend, we had the fun opportunity to 'puppy-sit' my friend's 9 week old Pomeranian. She was so tiny and weighed all of a pound and a half! Her name is Wendy, but by the end of the weekend, the boys had been affectionately referring to her as "Puppy Face." We all kept saying, "Just look at that puppy face!!"...and somehow "puppy face" is all that stuck. Haha!

Now, I am not generally a dog fan, especially little 'yippee' dogs...but she surely gave me new insight to having one. She was so cute and so sweet - what a cuddle bug! Puppy Face!!! I may or may not have stuck her inside my jacket and went grocery shopping (See picture, below. Hehe) That being said, I was still the one doing most of the work taking her outside to potty in the freezing cold and cleaning up the potties she didn't make it outside in time for. (Sorry for peeing on your couch, Brittany!!!!) Puppies are a lot of work!! Needless to say, one baby at a time. The Johnston's won't be bringing home a puppy anytime soon. Wah wah.

Thank you Kendra for letting us watch your fur baby!! You can go out of town anytime and you'll always have a puppy-sitter! Ty teared up when it was time to give her back and has already been asking when she can visit again. We loved having her for 4 days! It was the perfect amount of time to get some puppy-lovin' :)
Here are pictures from our weekend...



Who can resist that PUPPY FACE?!?

Human Pin Cushion

I did it! Aside from some bruising, I completed all 10 of my injections this weekend without incident. I may have dragged my feet on the way into the bathroom, but I made it. (I don't want to hear any whitey pale jokes, naturally-tan-husband)...



Fun? Meh - not so much. But, hey. Ya do what'cha gotta do. However - I'm not done yet. I will continue with 3 injections each night until my "trigger" shot. Hey, 3 is way better than 5, OKAY?!

I really can't believe how quickly all of this is going! I know I'm lucky and blessed that it's going so smoothly for me. The injections are really no-big-deal in the broad scheme of life, and I'm feeling great! I've been tired and had a headache or two here and there, but overall, really really good. Harvest is next week already. NEXT WEEK! Eek! I'm excited. I know I will get more uncomfortable (still waiting for my ovaries to balloon) - but overall, excited to get this done with. I wish I could fast forward just a few weeks to know where I stand: Pregnant or not pregnant. That would help - but I guess God doesn't give sneak peeks...so I will keep on swimming.

5 days until my next appointment...Saturday at 7:45am. Which means I leave the house at 6:35am. Ugh. And this was the latest time they had left! (Grumble grumble grumble.) Oh well. As soon as that newborn is screaming, this may seem like a very normal wake-up time, am I right? Anyway, Saturday I will have another ultrasound and the doctor will look at how large my egg sacks are and based on what he sees, we will schedule the trigger shot. This is the shot that will make my ovaries RELEASE all of the eggs that are ready, so they can harvest them out of my body. We are praying for at least 12 healthy eggs. Anyway, Saturday will be a very important appointment and we'll know more then. So, as much as I know you are all sitting out there with bated breath just dying with anticipation for my next post, all I can say is: stay tuned!

Suppression Check Day!

This morning at 11am, we had our "suppression check." The doctor was checking to make sure the birth control did its job the last 3 weeks in suppressing my ovaries to prevent ovulation. Had my body not reacted to the birth control as desired, I would not be ready to proceed with the final few steps of IVF this round, so this was a rather pivitol appointment. I am happy to report, I passed with flying colors and we have been cleared for take-off! Here we go. Game on - FOR REALS!

What's next, you ask? On Saturday, I start the injections that will now send my ovaries into hyper-drive. I will take 5 injections on Saturday, then 5 injections again on Sunday. Yes, you read that correctly. 5. That is 10 injections in 2 days. Gulp. Sounds like fun, right? Can't wait. To give myself these injections, I've found it is easiest to bend over so there's extra pudge to grab while my stomach is relaxed, and I give myself the shot into the fat padded area on either side of my belly button in that position. Saturday and Sunday will be the worst of it. I have another blood check first thing Monday, and based on how my body responded to the hormone surge on Sat/Sun, that will determine how many injections I will take for the remaining duration leading to harvest. My egg harvest will occur the first week of December. We don't know exactly which day yet, but all of that will be revealed with daily ultrasounds that week. When the ovaries look plump and plentiful, I take a trigger shot - a huge burst of hormones that force my body to release all of the eggs at once. They will harvest exactly 36 hours after my trigger shot.

Although the next 2 weeks will fly by, they will be an intense 2 weeks on these hormones. This is usually the most emotional or "crazy" part of the ride - so buckle up, keep your hands and legs inside the cart, and enjoy the ride - and please tell me all about it later because I may briefly lose my grasp on reality.

;)

Injection Update..

We had our "injection clinic" today at the fertility clinic! Let me just say, I waaaay over-analyzed this one! To which Danny responded - "You, over-analyze???? NOOO!" Heavy sarcasm noted, husband. Haha.



The needle was basically the diameter of a hair! I gave myself the Leuprolide Acetate injection and I didn't even feel it. The needle wasn't even big enough to make me bleed. No big deal!! I will give myself the Leuprolide injection every night until this IVF cycle is complete. I will add an additional injection in 2 weeks, and apparently I shouldn't feel any bloating or discomfort OR crazy until that hormone starts on 11/23, so I'm in the clear for awhile! Yay! Thank God! And look - I even got my own biohazard box :)

Viles, Syringes, and lots of HORMONES...

The last couple of weeks have been interesting...

The first day of my period last week I started the medication Ortho Cyclen to put my ovaries to rest, preventing ovulation. The first few days of my cycle, I thought my uterus was in complete protest and directly PUNISHING me from the uterine surgery I had 5 weeks ago to correct my septate uterus. I feel like after having cramps that bad, labor should be a breeze! Those were a rough few days to say the least. Thank God for my lovely employees Kelsey and Jill for rescuing me last minute, so I could go home and sleep it off...which I did just that. Each day was better than the last and aside from the daily bouts of nausea that I feel from the Ortho Cyclen, I'm doing just fine...nothing a few saltine crackers can't cure.

This week, on Tuesday to be exact, I received a box full of all of the medications I will need for the next 4-5 weeks. I pulled everything out of the box and took a picture...



Then I put everything back in the box, and threw it in the back room. An emotion I wasn't expecting during this journey came over me.

Anger.

Angry that this is my journey. Angry that I have to put my body through all of this, when our bodies as women are designed to do this naturally - without help. Angry that there's always something and it can never be simple...as if Danny nearly dying and then having 3 major surgeries which included a colectomy from Ulcerative Colitis our first year of marriage wasn't enough, and now this journey through IVF our second year of marriage. Angry that women all over the world get pregnant without even trying every.single.day...some women who don't even WANT *GASP* their babies. Angry that life isn't fair sometimes. Boo hoo, poor me.

I am human. I had a moment of selfishness, and I knew it. I had to change my perspective. A day or two passed. I had a few pep talks. I connected with a beautiful new friend that just had a perfect baby boy using the same IVF/ICSI method that we're doing with the same fertility specialist we're seeing. She brought her baby into the shop. He was beautiful. I needed that. It filled me. My spirit was renewed. My fight was restored. I can do this. We are so blessed we even get the opportunity to do this, to try this. Our insurance is paying for most of it. That alone is HUGE and RARE and I am so so so so so grateful. Many couples pay out of pocket for this - taking out loans or second mortgages. It totals around $12,000 per 1 full IVF/ICSI round with no guarantee. That is a huge risk for couples without any help! I also know there are couples where IVF isn't even an option for one reason or the other, maybe physically or emotionally. I am healthy. I am strong. I believe God will bless us and use our story.

Tomorrow, we have a 9:30am appointment so I can be shown how to give myself the injections at which time, I will start said injections. This is it! It's time for the big guns. 4-5 weeks of daily hormone injections that will take my ovaries from almond size to grapefruit size. Ok, ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating...we'll say oranges instead. Either way, I'm about to get huge and look pregnant before I actually am. I've been told I will be bloated, bruised, uncomfortable, crampy, and I will feel like I am going to explode...oh, and crazy. Definitely crazy. Haha. I'm assuming this is a gradual process the closer I get to my harvest date, but regardless of how long it takes to get there, I'll be there soon. So, with a prayer and a renewed positive attitude, I'm ready. I can do this. Bring on the crazy. Bring on the moo moos, stretchy pants, strategically draped fall layering pieces!!

If you're following this blog and our story, I'd love to hear from you...feel free to leave me a comment to let me know you've stopped by!

Halloween 2013

What does a 30 year old woman do on Halloween without cute, real babies to dress up?

THIS!!!!

Happy Halloween from Ty and Lu :)

Operation Baby Johnston: Week Four.

I just completed the first 3 weeks of hormones pills preparing my body for IVF. Other than feeling a little bloated here and there, I feel fantastic! In fact, I've even felt an elevated level of happiness the last couple of weeks. I'm not sure if that's coincidence or if the Progesterone had anything to do with it. I would like to live under the delusion, that instead of going "crazy" on the injections I will be starting soon, that maybe they would have the opposite effect and make me deliriously happy! Is that possible? Haha. Let's just roll with it :)

This week I will start Ortho-Cyclen (usually a birth control) for 3 weeks. Sounds odd, right? That's what I thought! Once the doctor explained that its task is to put my ovaries at rest - preventing my body from ovulating, it made total sense. He doesn't want me ovulating until my eggs are ready for HIM to retrieve, so this is how he manipulates the timing of it all. I've tried this birth control before, and it made me really sick and nauseous. Hopefully it will be a little easier on my stomach this time around. I only have to take it for 3 weeks, so I'm not too worried.

On November 9th, I start the injections. These are the 'big guns' as I have mentioned before. I'm not worried about these either. Do what you gotta do, right?! I plan on giving these injections to myself. Danny can help if he wants, but I have to give myself these at the same time every day, so I don't want to have to depend on another person to make sure we stay on track. Danny and I work pretty opposite schedules right now anyway, so it will just be easier if I put on my big girl panties and do it myself. We are going up to the doctor's office that morning, where they have a little 'injection clinic' to help me, so I'm sure their tips will be helpful. This as our path, This is my reality. I don't have a choice, so shut up and make it happen. Giving myself injections in the broad scheme of life - the big picture, really doesn't seem like that big of deal to me at all. I have a lot of cheerleaders too, so I'm in a good space. I'm excited to check another week off of the advent calendar!

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength! Philippians 4:13.

Operation Baby Johnston - Week 2.

Today is the beginning of week 2. I counted it out, and the entire process from the first hormone pill, until the embryos are transferred back into my uterus, is about 10 weeks; 12 weeks until I know if I'm pregnant or not, but 10 sounds a little better because now I have 9 weeks left and that's a single digit. Anyway, I have been on the hormone Estradiol for 1 week now. I think this is a hormone that is usually given to women going through menopause. From my understanding, he started me on this to balance everything out from my uterine surgery about 10 days ago - which I have fully recovered from, by the way. I don't know for sure on the hormone, maybe everyone going through IVF takes it...? I guess I should have asked more questions because to be honest, I'm not sure what its purpose is. Well anyway, I've been on it for a week now, and so far, I feel great - totally normal. Ok, so maybe a little more tired than usual, but that is it!

My goal through this entire process is to remain positive. It is such a blessing that we get to even travel this journey and I know there will be parts of it that will be rather unpleasant, but if I can focus on the fact that every step of the next 10 9 weeks brings us closer to a baby, then that IS my light at the end of the tunnel. I plan to be honest and real about the process, but I believe that whatever this journey throws at me, I can handle it if I have a beautiful, healthy baby at the end of it.

Pause. Rewind. Re-read that last sentence. What if this doesn't work? What if I put my body through this and I don't get pregnant? What if I do get pregnant and then I miscarry? How devastating! These are the fears I am struggling with. Negative "what ifs" - yes, but realistic fears any woman walking in my shoes might inevitably face. I have been praying continually for peace and the success of this on the very first round. I have been praying those fears can be dissolved because GOD IS BIGGER. I know many of my friends and family are praying for us because everyone has been so wonderful in telling me so! I am truly thankful for all of the kind words and encouragement! I am also thankful for those of you who have already walked this journey and have been open in talking about it with me. Thank you to those of you who have come forward and shared your experience and perspective with me - you have renewed my hope and excitement time and time again. Seeing your beautiful babies that were made possible by the modern day miracle of IVF, has given me the inspiration and desire to do this - one step at a time.

For those of you who aren't sure how to help or what to say, prayer is really the best support. Pray for the same things we are praying for: peace, patience, and success the first round! We pray that by this time next year, we will be completing Operation Baby Johnston and bringing home a beautiful, healthy baby (or 2)!

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Operation Baby Johnston, Part One: COMPLETE

Last Friday morning, I went in for surgery on my uterus. If we're using big words here, it was a hysteroscopy with transection of the septum. In all honesty, I don't remember a thing - which is the beauty of anesthesia, I suppose. Before I woke back up, the doctor put a balloon in my uterus, to keep the walls of the uterus from collapsing on each other so it could heal properly. I can't really feel the balloon itself, I just feel bloated and a little uncomfortable. I was crampy off and on all weekend, but that was to be expected...nothing worse than cramps I have had before. They gave me Vicodin, but I only needed a few of those thank goodness because they made me a little loopy and itchy all over. Ibuprofen worked for the most part. I had never been under anesthesia before as this was my first surgery - so I really didn't know what to expect coming out of it. I ended up feeling so lethargic all weekend, as if I was moving in slow-motion and aware of it, but unable to do anything about it. It was weird. I was quieter than my usual self too, but that's because I think I was in a daze most of the time just staring off into space. I still feel tired, but my body is healing and making progress - less bleeding, less cramping. I am going up this afternoon to have the balloon removed. I spoke with the doctor this morning, and I will start taking Estrogen today so it starts plumping up my uterus. It's amazing they can manipulate the body into doing what it needs to do in preparing for this baby! Operation Baby Johnston, Part One: COMPLETE.

Danny, Ty, and I went up to Washington to visit Danny's dad, sister and family. We left Friday evening after my surgery. Luckily, I was able to sleep the whole drive. I feel bad I was probably not the best company all weekend, but they welcomed me with open arms, a Costco-sized bottle of Ibuprofen and a giant bag of maxi pads - haha!! This was the best 'welcome' ever! It was so good to see them! They live in Aberdeen and Danny grew up there, so he drove us all around and showed us his old stomping grounds. The weather was absolutely beautiful! We drove over to Ocean Shores on Saturday and then Sunday we went to a pumpkin patch! These gorgeous fall days spent with family made for such a perfect weekend. Thank you for having us and taking care of me - Dad, Nick, Jill, Taylor, and Cody!

Ocean Shores! A long stretch of beach you can drive right up on!


The boys had the whole go-cart track to themselves!


Pumpkin Patch!

Ty made a slimy friend with his cousin, Cody!

Our next chapter: IVF.

We had some suspicions that we might need some extra assistance in the pregnancy department. Suspicions confirmed a few weeks ago, following some basic preliminary testing when the doctor called.

"It will be highly unlikely that you will conceive on your own."
Swallow. "Ok, what does that mean?"
"It means, you should probably seek out the assistance of a fertility specialist if you ever want to get pregnant. Unfortunately, this is outside of my scope..."

We have this preconceived notion that getting pregnant will be so easy. Here we are as women spending several months or years of our life on the pill or what have you, preventing pregnancy - and just when you think you're ready to start "trying"...things don't always go according to plan. Do they ever, actually? Not MY plan anyway. Just another reminder I am NEVER in control. I've spent the last several months celebrating the pregnancies and births of baby after baby with my friends, all while struggling through our infertility. I think I lost count around my 11th shower invite since last winter. I know I'm not alone here. I know there have been countless women who have walked in my shoes, women who want nothing more than to have a baby; to create and share that genetic miracle with your husband, the love of your life. To see a little 'you' in your child's eyes. To grow a family and fulfill a life long desire and dream to be a mother. Tears of joy, tears of loss, tears of jealousy, tears of love - they've been shed by women all over the world. I am not alone. This is why I'm sharing our story. As it unfolds, not after the fact when everything is fabulous and successful (God willing) - but now. Through the hormones, through the tears, through the struggle for contentment as we wait with no promise we will ever be bringing a baby home that is genetically ours. It's in God's hands, fully. We wait. We trust. We share.

Following several conversations and a lot of Googling, I made an appointment with a fertility specialist that had come highly and repeatedly recommended to me. Danny and I sat down in his office a couple of weeks ago. He looked at the original test results, and upon our conversation and our desire to be pro-active with this, he decided the best option for us is In Vitro Fertilization or IVF, using the ICSI method (pronounced "Ick-See") - which stands for intracytoplasmic sperm injection. Check out this amazing picture - this is hanging in our doctor's office. Wow.



It's the most advanced and aggressive form of IVF in which they isolate just once singular sperm and actually inject it into the egg and basically force fertilization. Crazy. Amazing. Up until this point, we had assumed the only issue with our infertility was with Danny's low sperm count (he has about 5% of what he should have) due to all of the medications he had been on for the last several years prior to his surgeries for his Ulcerative Colitis - basically killing his sperm production. Well, doctor's never just assume...so prior to starting the several weeks worth of medication and preparation my body has to go through to get ready for this, I had to undergo the initial exam eliminating any unseen complications.

This last Thursday morning, Danny and I went in for my exam. Upon my pelvic ultrasound, it was revealed that I have a "septate uterus" - a heart-shaped uterus, instead of an upside down triangle or balloon shaped uterus.

The doctor called it a "birth-defect." It is rare, affecting only about 1% of women. Sometimes, this goes undetected in women and pregnancies carry on as usual. Most often times, it increases the risk of miscarriages especially late-term miscarriages, because that top dip part of the "heart" is taking up extra space in the uterus and won't give the baby enough room to grow to full term - especially if it's twins (which is common with IVF). So, next Friday morning, October 4th up at Legacy Emmanuel Hospital, I'm having surgery to correct this. Luckily, it's a very quick and safe, out-patient procedure. I should be in and out in a few hours, and back to normal in a few days. We are having the surgery done quickly, so I can be healed in time to proceed with IVF this Fall! Here's a quick overview of this process IF everything goes according to plan...

I will be on a handful of medications and daily hormone injections to prepare my body for the harvesting of eggs, but also getting my uterus nice and cushy for the embryos later. On these hormones, most women are insanely emotional. The doctor didn't use the word "crazy"...but implications were made, hehe. He did say, and I quote, "This is about the time, that the husbands spend a lot more time out in the shop." Gotcha, haha! Anyway, these hormones will force my body into hyper-drive, forcing several eggs to mature at once. Our bodies normally drop 1 egg every month during ovulation. These drugs will force my body to drop several - the goal at harvest is 15-20 eggs for my age. Luckily, during the ultrasound Thursday, I had several visible egg sacs in both ovaries, so everything looks good there. After taking the necessary medications for about 6 weeks, he will do another ultrasound to make sure that my eggs have matured and there are enough ready to harvest. My ovaries will be huge and swollen, and I will feel bloated and actually look pregnant already from this swelling. It will be very uncomfortable. Then he will go in with a GIANT suction needle, and remove these eggs from both ovaries. Aside from the surgery, this sounds like the most unpleasant part of the whole process. I will be sedated though, thank goodness. If everything goes according to plan and my body cooperates, the harvest will take place the end of November. From there, they take my fresh healthy eggs, and a fresh semen sample, and they begin selecting the best of the best, injecting 1 sperm into each egg. Some will die immediately, some will begin to grow into embryos. We're hoping for 6-8 embryos with this fertilization. After 5 days of my babies growing in a petri dish, they will select 2 embryos and implant them back into my uterus, freezing the rest. 10 days later, they will take my blood to check my hCG level, and if the embryos implant after the transfer, I will be pregnant! We will know by Christmas! I have a 40% chance of both of them implanting: TWINS. Because of my age (30), I have an 60-70% chance of this process working the first time. Once I'm pregnant, my body will take over and I will have the same risks as any other pregnancy. 85% chance the pregnancy will be healthy and I will carry to full-term, 15% chance of mis-carriage. The next transfer would be February 2014, if this first round is not successful in which we would use our frozen 'reserve' embryos. We will be praying for a beautiful, healthy strong, baby or two - THE FIRST ROUND! Amen? Amen!

This process is exciting, terrifying, and amazing all at once. It's a miracle that modern day medicine can provide this option for us - for that I am blessed and thankful. God is in total control, and I trust that he will provide for us in ways we cannot even fathom. He sees the big picture and I truly believe he will grant us the desires of our hearts. I look forward to sharing this journey with you! Thank you for your love and prayers. I will do my best to keep you up to date through this journey. This chapter. Our story.

XOXO

E

Summer 2013!

I realize (once again) it's been a long time since my last update. Our focus this summer was on Danny's continued recovery. His body battled a long time trying to accept his new colon. After months of cramping, weight loss, no appetite, dizzy and fainting spells, and many sleepless nights, we have finally turned a corner in this process. Nearly 5 months post surgery, and he is starting to feel "normal" again! It could take his body up to a year or two post-op to fully adapt to his new plumbing and for his j-pouch to learn its new job - functioning as a colon should. In the meantime, we're happy he's come this far and his body is accepting his new colon and he actually feels good! Hallelujah. Thank God!!

Don't worry though - we still had some fun this summer! Here's a quick recap of the last 4 1/2 months through photos...

We went to several vintage car shows...

The boys got crafty and inspired...

and made their own replicas...

Ty and I went berry picking at Olson Farms...

And made our first batch of strawberry jam ever...

Father's Day! Danny had to work so we took him a "Best Friend" cheesecake.

4th of July - complete with the annual parade in Monmouth, OR...

Fireworks at my mom's later that evening...

We made furry friends on our evening walks. Meet Nelson...

And Mattie...

Movie in the park!

Danny turned 40!! I did not have an actual picture of him on his birthday, oops!

We made it to the Oregon State Fair! The petting zoo was our favorite!! This is Ty's "Mama Llama" face, haha :)



First Day of 5th Grade!

Seaside weekend get-away! (And another car show)...


Inn on the Prom in Seaside, OR. We highly recommend it - so cute, quaint, and central! I would say it's the best-kept property in town and right on the boardwalk!


I'm already working on another update for Fall. We are starting a new chapter in the Johnston book! Stay tuned.