Silver Lining...

Today we headed back up to Portland for a more thorough ultrasound and another blood test following our inconclusive results from Tuesday. Dr. Stoelk was able to see what looked like a collapsed gestational sac in my uterus, so it seems as though I had a regular early miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy after all. This was really good news. My hCG level was dramatically lower too - from around 4,700, down to 1,300 in just 2 days. My body should pass the tissue out with my period soon and all of the cramping I've been experiencing is just my body preparing for that. It will get worse before it gets better. More waiting.

If I may be honest, after all of this - I feel like I'm actually doing really well with everything. Although I am disappointed that this round was not successful, I am relieved that surgery will not be necessary and that my body is doing what it needs to do. The doubts and the disconnect I have experienced throughout the entire process (that I have mentioned in previous posts), really have enabled the grieving process of this miscarriage to unfold gradually, leading up to Tuesday/today's appointment. It's hard to mourn the loss of something I never really felt I had in the first place. Some of you may not be able to understand that if you have experienced a miscarriage yourself, but with IVF - it's just a different, clinical process and this round never felt 'just right' to me. I don't mean to minimize its impact whatsoever, but for me - I was more prepared for it as a possibility - especially with how closely I was monitored, how low my numbers were, and how the doctor remained so conservative with his response to those low numbers. It wasn't a total shock - I had a feeling, and that suspicion was just confirmed with Tuesday's ultrasound. If you are one of my close friends, you know how cautious I was being with my excitement and how reserved I was about celebrating prematurely. Like a normal conception pregnancy, most women wait until nearly the 2nd trimester before publicly announcing anything. This was always a possibility as it is with all pregnancies, but when I made the decision to publicly blog this journey, I had to decide at the beginning that I would be honest about every step of the way - the good, the bad, and the ugly - despite the outcome.

My silver lining in all of this, is that I still have hope and believe I will hold my babies (yes, I said babies!) this year. Because my body seems to be doing what it needs to be right now, we should be able to do an FET (frozen embryo transfer) at the end of February. That's just next month! An FET is much easier than a fresh IVF cycle. No injections this time, no harvesting, just a couple of oral hormones a few weeks out. We have already agreed on using 2 embryos this time - especially now that OHSS is no longer a risk. As I have mentioned before, we have 15 embryos in the freezer waiting for us. We are lucky. That is many many more than most people have - IF they have back-ups at all! We are blessed with that hope! I am excited and optimistic for the future. I already have a peace about it. I know that peace is from God and he is telling me, "It's ok - I have it all figured out and you have to trust it's in my timing and it will be beautiful."

Sometimes, God Says Wait...

With our breath held, we had our first fetal ultrasound today. My (hCG) numbers had been low, so we were proceeding with cautious optimism. There was no heartbeat. There was no gestational sac. There was no baby - just an empty uterus in smooth shades of grey on the black and white monitor. I had prepared myself for this news. I had a hunch. I know my body and deep down, I just knew. Game over this round. The doctor ran my bloodwork just one last time, and we left his office defeated. Empty.

About 4pm, the doctor called. My hCG level was well over 4,000! Being that there was no baby in my uterus - which would have been easy to find and see at this point, this was actually bad news. He is concerned about an ectopic or tubal pregnancy which would most likely result in surgical removal of the pregnancy as it is not viable or safe for me. There were other various scary things discussed, the possibility of a rupture, the possibility of losing the tube completely...etc. We really don't know anything until the follow-up ultrasound first thing Thursday morning. He wants me to fast Wednesday night, just in case he takes a peek on Thursday morning and the situation becomes urgent, and needs immediate action. If it can wait a day, he has tenatively reserved a spot in the O.R. at the hospital in Portland for me first thing Friday morning. It seems that it will be easier to deal with since we caught it this early, but again, we have no conclusive answers until the follow-up ultrasound and bloodwork on Thursday morning. If the numbers are dramatically lower, it could mean my body decided to take care of it on its own. Please. That is what we will hope and pray for at this point. However, I have been having cramping off and on on my left side. He said that could be a good or bad sign, but to call him day or night if the pain becomes unbearable and we'll go from there.

Sometimes God says "yes," sometimes "no," and sometimes he just says "WAIT!" I am feeling really confident in my waiting skills...a self-proclaimed expert, really. But despite the wait, the rocky journey, the emotional roller coaster, the unknowns, I know we have 15 back up embryos waiting for us. That gives me hope. I just have to get through this and wait a little longer and you know what, that's ok. I may not like it, or understand it, or really want to do it, but I accept it because God sees the big picture and my human, narrow, tunnel vision will only get me so far. He has a plan, I am choosing to believe that the wait will be worth it. I WILL hold those sweet, beautiful, perfect babies in my arms someday.

Not a tear was shed today. I am strong. This is my story; OUR story. We will wait. And it WILL be worth it.

Isaiah 40:31
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not grow faint."

Worry, I Release You.

I wrote this on Tuesday - New Year's Eve; the morning of my 31st birthday. It was a day of discouragement and doubt. I chose not to post this at the time, but ended up saving it as a draft. Although I am in a better place today emotionally - feeling more encouraged and hopeful, I decided to post this anyway. This is all part of the journey. The ups, the downs - fear, doubt, and deliverance.

12/31/2013 - Today I sit here, full of doubt. Doubt that this pregnancy is viable. Last night, I took the liberty of looking up the average hCG levels for how far along I was at my last blood test - which was last Friday morning. I was 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The average hCG level was anywhere from 1,752-5,340. Mine was 688; considerably and dramatically lower. This could explain why the doctor has been so conservative and reserved about this pregnancy. This could also explain why I never developed OHSS - which he guaranteed I would get if a pregnancy came from this first round of IVF. It is possible that there is some growth of the gestational sac that is causing my numbers to increase, but when we go for my first ultrasound a week from today, that there won't be a heartbeat and that sac will be empty. It is also possible that there will be a baby in that sac and that baby will have a strong flutter of a heartbeat and there's really no explanation for why my numbers are as low as they are. We just don't know. I'm struggling with believing the latter today. I know I should believe, have faith, hold on to hope...but if I'm being honest here - which is the whole reason I decided to blog this journey in the first place, this is what I'm feeling today, now in my moment of weakness. Defeat.

One week. That wait seems like forever at this point, to know where we stand. In my mind, I feel that if I am aware of all possible outcomes - which I am, the better prepared I will be for the outcome of the ultrasound next Tuesday morning - baby or no baby, heartbeat or no heartbeat. I also know I serve a God who is BIG - so much bigger than my doubts. I am trying so hard to hold on to trusting that. Trust that God knows what he's doing regardless of the outcome. He has perfect timing, and a perfect plan for my life, our lives, this family. I am weak, I am discouraged, I am human. But I will do my best to let go of the worry and know it is what it is. It's out of my hands and always has been. I release it.