Friday, December 27, 2013

Progress...

Progress...I say this like Coldplay's Chris Martin in the song "Scientist"..."Pro-gress"

ANYWAY...

After another early morning trip up to Portland and back, my hCG was 688! It was 268 on Christmas Eve, just 3 days ago. Dr. Stoelk seemed encouraged that the numbers are doing what they're supposed to, but he said the next big important check mark is seeing the baby and the heartbeat on ultrasound. I made my appointment this morning! January 7th! That's 11 days away. I don't have to do anymore blood tests until then (can I get an AMEN!) but he still has me supplementing Progesterone. I will only have to do 5 more injections of the oil (every 3 days), but I will continue the capsules most likely until my second trimester. Ughgagh. Oh well. Only 7ish more weeks! Haha. I can do anything for this sweet baby girl! ;)

I'm feeling really good. Normal. Tired, yes - but great overall. I still don't FEEL anything. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I'm pregnant. People are reading this blog and coming up to me and saying "Congratulations!!!!!" and I feel like I just look at them blankly. Care Bear Stare. I'm caught off guard and for a split second, almost confused. Of course, I know what they're talking about - but I'm still struggling with the disconnect. I need to see that heartbeat. I need to see the baby. I need proof! I'm sorry if you've talked to me in person about this and I seemed reserved and didn't leap for joy out of excitement. It will come...it's just on a delay of sorts. 11 days...

Thursday, December 26, 2013

5 Weeks.

I ran down to the lab Christmas Eve for another blood test. My hCG was 268! Over double again! She's a fighter, I tell you! Maybe more than a fighter, she's just lazy and does things on her own time, haha. I would like to think that the low numbers correlate to her being an easy, laid back baby. She's not in a rush to do her thing. She's just happy hanging out, warm and comfy, letting her cozy bubble do all the work. Maybe after all we've been through to actually GET pregnant, God will bless us with a super easy pregnancy, delivery, and baby! Wishful thinking, yes?! Just let me live in that delusion, ok?! It's going to be fantastic.

Even though the numbers continue to rise, the doctor still used the words "cautiously optimistic." He would like to run one final blood test tomorrow morning. I will have to go up to Portland again for this one, because he also wants to keep me on the awful Progesterone oil shots. My body must be getting somewhat used to them though because my bum and legs haven't ached as bad as that very first dose, so although it's not a cake walk, it's certainly better than it was. He has me on these shots every other day now, but will drop me down to every 3rd day. Nurse Danny gave me one today, so my next one won't be until Sunday now. We're alternating cheeks at least, so that helps a little too ;)

If everything looks good on tomorrow's blood test results, then I should be all set to do our first fetal ultrasound the first full week of January...maybe the 6th or 7th. Although the waiting has seemed relentless at times, this overall process has really FLOWN by looking back. I mean, technically, I am 5 weeks pregnant today! When did that happen?! It's definitely a blessing in this moment to be able to say that. AND to say that I feel great so far! The cramping has ceased, no nausea yet (please, oh please stay that way) and my bloating is nearly gone! In fact, when I told the doctor yesterday that I felt great and my bloating was nearly non-existent, he was shocked! He said that being as responsive as I was to IVF, I may be one of the very few that just narrowly avoided OHSS and we walked the very fine line of OHSS misery and balancing the hormones just perfectly enough that I came out of this without experiencing the symptoms! Wow. Amazing. In fact, I feel so normal, that I'm struggling to connect to the fact that I'm technically pregnant. Not that I forget, but it still doesn't feel real yet. I've looked at baby things at every store and website I've been to, but I just can't bring myself to buy anything to celebrate this wee one just yet. A reserve. I know seeing that little flutter of a heartbeat on the ultrasound in a couple of weeks will help connect things emotionally for me. Things will click and it will become much more real for me - maybe that's the realist in me. I have faith God will give me the desires of my heart with this little babe, but seeing that heartbeat - that tangible evidence of LIFE, will connect the heartstrings I've been waiting for. Until then, more waiting of course!

Monday, December 23, 2013

Still 'A Little Bit Pregnant'...

My hCG level on Wednesday was only 16. I went up to Portland Friday for another blood test and when the doctor called with my results, my hCG was 48. It TRIPLED! My Progesterone level also went up to a healthy level, from a lowly 4, to 33!

Praise the Lord!

However - Dr. Stoelk was very very clear that my hCG is still about half of what they like to see at this point and I will need to continue supplementing the Progesterone. More awful shots and capsules (Not oral. Gag). As long as the numbers increase, he is "more hopeful" and said things look "somewhat promising"...he doesn't sugar coat. At all. No false hope, but he said he was very pleased with my numbers and the amount they increased. He said that's a great sign, but nothing is guaranteed yet, of course. They will continue to monitor me closely, and I will retest again tomorrow morning - making sure that my hCG level continues to rise. MOOOOOOOOORE waiting. I'm getting really good at it actually! I'm mastering the art of distraction! He's calling in the orders to the Salem Clinic Lab for tomorrow, so luckily I don't have to drive all the way up to Portland again for a 5 minute blood draw. I am hoping he calls with the results by tomorrow afternoon. Timing isn't ideal, being that it's Christmas Eve and all, but he is so diligent and said he would call from home so he doesn't keep me waiting any longer than necessary. I heart him.

So, that's all I've got this post. I am still pregnant. I am still waiting.

Thank you for the positive comments, encouragement, and prayers!! I have been blessed by every comment, message, email, and text. Thank you.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Hurry Up and Wait...

Our first pregnancy test was yesterday. To put it simply, we just don't know yet.

We went in really early yesterday for the blood test, testing my hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) and Progesterone levels. I got a call a few hours later. The doctor's assistant who also happens to be his daughter (I love how small and family focused this clinic is!) called to tell me my pregnancy test was POSITIVE. She quickly added, that my Progesterone levels were VERY low, so I needed to come back in immediately for a shot of Progesterone. Progesterone is the hormone our bodies naturally produce during pregnancy to help with implantation of the embryo and sustaining the pregnancy. Luckily, we were still in Portland, so we hopped back in the car and drove back over to their office.

Now, let me tell you about these Progesterone Oil shots. THEY.ARE.MISERABLE. I got one of these on transfer day and my whole butt cheek and leg throbbed for 3 days. Imagine a body builder of a man punching you straight on the side of your hip/butt cheek. Dead leg! It doesn't look bruised, but it feels like it! Well, I went back in yesterday and got one in EACH side. She also sent an additional one home for Danny to give me today. That's 3 in 24 hours. Ugh. When we went back in, I asked her the details of my levels. She said, they like to see Progesterone levels at 20+. Mine was at 4. Then I asked her about the hCG level - she said mine was a 16.2 and that was on the lower side too, but anything over a 5 is considered a positive test. Ok! I felt pretty good about that! So, I started calling family and my immediate friends to update them that I was pregnant. I was still in shock, but everyone knew Wednesday was test day, so they were checking in wanting to know.

This morning my phone rings at 7:30am, - it's Dr Stoelk. He called so he could explain in detail his concern with my levels upon this first test.

Ok.

He said I have what they refer to as a "barely there" pregnancy. They like to see the hCG level over 30 at this point...mine was just over half of that, at 16. He says I registered as "pregnant" but the levels should double every 2 days at this point, so we really won't know anything until they retest Friday morning. So, I go back up first thing tomorrow. If my hCG doubles, that's great news, but that just means we continue with more waiting and more testing. If the number does not increase, then the pregnancy is most likely a false positive and not viable. He told me that hCG is the hormone that is produced by the placenta. If the baby is growing, then so does the placenta, then the number naturally increases. If if doesn't increase, well - you get it. He said he has seen women test as low as 7 before and it turned into a viable pregnancy, so anything is possible, but he was also clear not to get my hopes up until we are able to give it more time and see the test results - especially tomorrow's test.

So...in the words of Dr. Stoelk, "Once again, we hurry up and wait." In all honestly, that should be the slogan of IVF.

We will know a lot more by tomorrow afternoon, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a little defeated tonight. My patience is waning. Quickly. I just want to know either way. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm done. I know God has a plan regardless of the outcome, and I am encouraged to know we have 15 embryos waiting in the freezer for us, but I just want to be happy and excited and I just can't be. Not yet anway. One more step. One more day...

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Unspoken

Last night, I was chatting with my oldest childhood friend, Chelsea. She has known me the longest out of all of my friends, going on 23 years now, and has often times been a voice of reason and insight in my life. She has always been quick to listen and slow to give advice; a true friend. She was checking in and asking how I was feeling. I think initially, she may have meant physically, but quickly into our conversation, I found myself pouring out the emotions I am currently experiencing...thoughts that I hadn't verbalized to anyone through this process yet.

First of all, IVF patients don't get the romance of conceiving a child naturally. We have already tried and tried on our own. Not just trying - I mean, trying. Charting ovulation. Obsessively. With a calendar. With a phone app. With a thermometer. With an ovulation predictor kit that costs approximately $5 a pee stick. With hope and a prayer. For months. Each month of trying, we experienced disappointment after disappointment. This disappointment is what eventually leads us down a path that winds up with us sitting in a fertility clinic learning about our "options." We don't wake up one day and say, "Hey, you know what would be really fun? Let's put our bodies through hell and our emotions on a roller coaster so a doctor can make our baby in a petri dish! Oh, and it only costs $12,000 a round with no guarantees! Sign us up!" No. Instead, there is already a significant amount of sadness and grief that has preceeded this decision and journey.

The IVF process is unnatural. If you lay out the simple facts, it sounds like a sci-fi movie...

They pump you full of drugs by daily injections.
They harvest your eggs.
They take sperm and inject it into your eggs.
They wait to see if cells start multiplying.
Then they select the best looking embryo and put it back into your body, hoping it implants and you have a baby in 40 weeks.

Totally sci-fi, right? Haha. SO romantic.

IVF is so clinical, so methodical, so calculated, so, well...medical. I'm struggling with a disconnect. It doesn't feel real. Chelsea pointed out that it's my coping mechanism - to protect myself from the emotional whiplash if this round fails. That maybe my emotions will just be a little delayed to what my body is doing. And that's ok. She's right. I haven't let myself really feel much of anything other than relief each time we move on to the next step. I've been too analytical about this process...waiting for the facts to surface each step of the way, only to move on to the next step and wait for the facts again. It will work or it won't. I've only cried once this entire process and it lasted maybe 15 seconds. I have put up a wall. I'd rather feel nothing until it's positive, than allow myself to feel now with the potential for yet another disappointment. Perhaps I'm trying to be too strong. She encouraged me to give myself some grace, emotionally. She reminded me this is not a common journey and that "comparison is the thief of joy" and I need to let God bless us because he has a plan and will use this journey no matter what. I needed those words. I will try to allow myself the joy of this journey too, instead of just bracing for the facts. I mean really - I already have a picture of her!! This process is a miracle! I need to revel in that and savor the unknown while it is just that. Wednesday will be here soon enough.

Thank you, Chelsea for your words. Love you, friend.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Day One, Post Transfer.

When the doctor called yesterday morning about 9:30, we only had 4, "primo" embryos ready for possible transfer. The plan as of 9:30am, was to transfer 2, and freeze 2. There was no way to know if the others would develop or not, so we were willing to take the chance and try for 2.

By our appointment time at 2pm, the doctor came in and told us we had more options. From the time they looked earlier that morning, until the moment we were sitting in the transfer room, we had 8 more develop to "primo" status - totaling 12 embryos. Huge success!! He was also very real with us. We talked about a condition called OHSS - Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. Women who are hugely responsive to the hormones through the IVF process and over-produce eggs, are often times at a higher risk for developing this. I am in this category. They harvested 41 eggs from my body last week - that means my ovaries grew to the size of large grapefruits. With OHSS, they continue to get bigger and in his words are "on their way to small cantelopes" (from that hyper-stimulation) and this can often times lead to debilitating bloating and pain. He said if I get pregnant with this transfer, he guarantees OHSS and if I get pregnant with twins, he guarantees misery. This syndrome only lasts about a month from the sounds of it, but because it can be so painful, he really encouraged us to just transfer 1. He said if it were honestly up to him, he probably would have us freeze all of them and wait for my body to heal and then transfer in February at their next cycle. Ultimately, it was our call. Temporary misery with potential complications, or play it safe. Since Danny was terrified of twins anyway, we compromised with 1 embryo. Danny had to promise (with Dr. Stoelk as our witness) that he would be open to another baby down the road if it meant we wouldn't have to have 2 babies at once. Ok. Fine. Deal :) The doctor was very honest with us also and said based on the amount of embryos we have left, that he nearly guaranteed (oh, say 90% sure) that we would never have to go through the whole "harvesting" process again and the success rate with FETs (frozen embryo transfers) is very high!

1 embryo it is! We have to walk our talk, and trust God has a plan for this very tiny, sweet, single embryo. Dr. Stoelk confirmed we made the right decision going with 1. He guided the catheter into my uterus via ultrasound, and we got to see the little flick of air and liquid when he deposited the embryo into my body!


See the little dot of white at the tip of the arrow...kind of the shape of a grain of rice? That's it!!!

Before I even got up from the transfer, Dr. Stoelk asked to pray over us and our embryo! It was a beautiful prayer and such a blessing to us to be under the care of a doctor who clearly believes in God's ultimate timing and will. It was a really special moment for both of us.

Baby's First Picture!! Not everyone gets a picture of their embryo at a microscopic level! Amazing!!


There SHE is! See the pink bow?! Hehe. Of course, you can't really tell the sex at this stage, but we are all routing for a girl :) The compact mass of cells in the center is the baby! The darker ring around these cells inside is what will become the placenta. See the bubble on the left side? That is the blastocyst busting through the "shell"...the baby will break through and be looking for a cushy place to burrow and implant within the next few days! If my uterus is suitable, the embryo will implant and we will have a postive pregnancy test next Wednesday morning - a week from today! More waiting!

Meanwhile, I'm bracing myself for more bloating either way. My ovaries are still currently the size of large grapefruits and I look pregnant already. Very pregnant. This may mean people think I'm a lot further along than I actually am if the pregnancy takes, but it's all part of the process! I may be buying a belly-band very soon :)

This morning we had 4 more embryos reach "primo" status. We decided to add them to the freezer with their siblings. We now have a grand total of 15 freezer babies waiting for us!

This process has been absolutely fascinating. What a blessing to have this opportunity! We are nowhere near completing this journey, but each step has been so rewarding and I believe God will grant us the desire of our hearts!






Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Transfer Day!

A lot can change in just a day with developing embryos. The doctor called today and out of the 12 strong embryos we had as of Sunday, only 4 of them are "primo" and have made it to the blastocyst stage and are eligible and ready for transfer.

Today at 2pm, we are transferring 2 of those into my uterus. We will freeze the remaining 2.

There are 6-8 that are still potentially growing, but the others are out of the running. The doctor said a few more might make it to the blastocyst stage from this slower group and we can freeze them tomorrow, but they will not all make it, if any.

It only takes 1.

God is in total control and we are entrusting these babies in his hands. He knows their future, he already knows their faces, their fingerprints, and the number of hairs on their heads...

I believe we serve an amazing God that has so much more in store for us - more than we could ever even dream for ourselves. Praying for HIS will. HIS plan. Praying for healthy, strong, normal, smart, beautiful babies.

It only takes 1.

He's got the whole world in HIS hands!



Monday, December 9, 2013

Embryo Update

The doctor called yesterday with an embryo update for us!

Day 3, post fertilization:

22 embryos left!
12/22 are at the 6-8 cellular division stage.
10/22 are at the 4-6 cellular division stage.



Check out this handy link below. We are doing a "5 Day Transfer" and here's what will happen...

Embryo Development Chart

Our pregnancy blood test will be December 18th. Wow.

Friday, December 6, 2013

THE CALL

Less than 10 minutes after posting my "Ball of Nerves" post, the doctor called! Of course, I had to get a hold of Danny first before posting this...

Our prayers worked!

41 eggs were harvested
33 were mature
26 of them fertilized

26!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, Jesus.

Although this is an extremely high number of fertilized eggs, this does not mean we will get 26 embryos. Not all of them will develop to the stage they need to be at to be viable for transfer. The good news is, so many of them fertilized, we should have a good selection to choose from. As long as everything else goes according to plan and I recover properly from the harvest, the (2) best of the best embryos, will be transferred into my uterus on Tuesday!

And then we wait again...

Thank you for all of the prayers! I believe whole-heartedly they made a difference! One more huge step forward and our journey continues...

Ball of Nerves...

Harvest was a HUGE success yesterday!! 41 eggs. 41!!!! That is nearly triple the average! I am feeling a little sore, bloated, and crampy this morning, but overall, pretty good! I feel much better than I expected to feel - so good in fact, I'm at work as I write this. Today is so quiet and slow due to an unexpected snowfall this morning that has continued throughout the day. I don't mind it. I think I will call it an early day though and close up shop soon. Stretchy pants, soft pillows, and a good movie or two are calling my name. I could use a good distraction anyway...

I'm sitting here, waiting for the phone to ring. The doctor will be calling today to tell us how many of our healthy, mature eggs fertilized last night. We are really nervous about this though because he didn't think there would be enough sperm to fertilize them all. He even had Danny try again - not a good sign! We left feeling really unsure and anxious about it. I am a ball of nerves for that phone to ring. If nothing fertilized, it's game over. All of those shots, hormones, harvesting - for nothing. I can't think that way though. I must be positive! I must pray continually. We only need a few good embryos, and I keep reminding myself: it ONLY TAKES ONE! God is in control. I have to release the worry and know he will provide. He's got the whole world in His hands. Those babies are in His hands! In the meantime, I will watch the snowfall and seek peace in the stillness. God is good.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Harvest Day!

Today is the day that our babies are made. At 3:45pm today, my eggs will be harvested. Shortly following their retrieval, using a process called ICSI, the embryologist will inject one of Danny's single, healthy sperm into each egg, fertilizing every single mature and ready egg. In the lab. Lab babies! This is surreal to me. It is a miracle that science has come this far! We will know by tomorrow how many eggs took and are fertilized and growing. We will know a few days after that how many viable embryos we have. I have A LOT of eggs. A few dozen. Twice the average amount. My ovaries are the size of grapefruits!!!! Although I am extremely uncomfortable and bloated to say the least, this is still an amazing answer to prayer and will only increase our odds. This could mean a lot of embryos - or none at all. There are so many variables! We are praying for embryos. Healthy, strong, growing, perfect embryos. It only takes one. This is a big day. God is in control! I am ready. For today is the day our babies are made.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Fertile Myrtle

I had an ultrasound early Saturday morning and again today to take a peek at my ovaries to see if my egg sacks are looking plump and plentiful. Harvest is just days away. I will have an ultrasound each morning this week until it's time. The doctor was pleasantly surprised by how MANY egg sacks I have...even more today than we could see on Saturday! The goal is about 15-18. I have nearly 30!

This is my actual utlrasound from this morning.

See the web-looking design on the left half? Those are my egg sacks on just one ovary. There's about 14-15 visible in this shot alone.

What does this mean? The good and the bad...

The great news is, that I responded so well to the hormone injections, that if everything goes well with the ICSI process once they acquire Danny's contribution, that I will have plenty of 'reserve' embryos and God willing, will never have to undergo a harvest again. Although, this does NOT mean we will have 30 embryos. I want to make that clear. It just means we have more chances at creating healthy embryos due to my fertile output - more eggs to attempt to fertilize. It is possible a few of these egg sacks might even be empty, and certainly not all of them contain viable genetic make-up. They will attempt to fertilize each healthy egg, but some of them will die off before cellular division occurs, and some of them will die off because there are genetic abnormalities upon fertilization or some just may be weak. The more eggs they have to work with, the higher our chances are at having healthy embryos with enough left over to freeze. They will select the healthiest 2 embryos to transfer back into my uterus next week.

The bad news is, I will experience much more bloating and discomfort than the average IVF patient. I already feel huge, and he said it will get worse. Ladies - imagine how bloated you feel on your period after your body has released just 1 egg. Now, basically multiply that by a bazillion 30. Yep! That's how I feel right now! I look about 5 months pregnant. Please appreciate the look of discomfort on my face. Haha...

My egg sacks measured about 12mm on average today. The goal is about 15-16mm for harvest. On average, they grow about 2mm a day, but mine are currently growing a little slower than average. The doctor is estimating my harvest date for this Thursday. He will confirm with a phone call later today after my blood work results come back.

I will continue with my normal dosage of injections each night, so my egg sacks will continue to grow reaching their target size for Thursday. I have my trigger shot mixed and loaded. I'm just waiting on the green light :)

Countdown is on. Praying for a successful retrieval of the healthy eggs, and that they take to ISCI and fertilize! Babies, here we come!