Quiet Moments...

I'm sitting here in my very quiet little shop, sipping my favorite morning caramel hazelnut mocha, wondering, when this season will pass. It's snow-raining outside right now and although the heat is on, my toes are cold.
I use the word "season" here, as a metaphor. My shoulders are heavy with a burden in which I cannot pinpoint. It is not any one thing, that I am sure. However, a combination of little things have layered up and I'm fearing the breaking point.
The store has been incredibly slow lately. Slow, would be a gentle way of putting it actually - I meant to say dead. Naturally, there is a small part of me that is slightly concerned about the future of the shop. However, there is an even bigger part of me that could not care less. Then there is a third part of me that is more concerned about the fact that I don't care about the shop's future, and I wonder why that is and what is wrong with me...? I should care. I WANT to care, but here I sit, day after day, thinking of everything that could be more productive use of my time and sitting here, day after day, isn't what I have in mind. I acknowledge that this is an opportunity of a lifetime that God has blessed me with. I realize many ladies would kill for the chance to own their own boutique and make it whatever they want to, filling it with everything that makes them happy to share with others for that same retail-therapy happiness high. So, why is it, that I sit here typing this, looking around my lovely little store, and I feel nothing? I could literally shrug my shoulders with indifference, and walk away. Is it because this is something that I was going to do with my dad, and then he died suddenly, leaving me to do this on my own and I feel lonely and abandoned in a sense? Is it because I would so much rather be married, and staying home with my imaginary chubby, darling, rosey-cheeked babies? Is it because I am ungrateful for this opportunity and I need an attitude adjustment? Is it because I'm depressed with where my life is right now and I want more? I'm human...we all want more! I don't want to be ungrateful. I don't want to dismiss this amazing opportunity. I want to be successful - I think. As much as I tell myself I want to be successful, I feel like I'm standing in my own way of achieving that. I don't know why. I don't know how to change it. I've hit a sink hole and wading through the sludge is making me lose momentum in all areas of my life - mentally and emotionally. 2011 was supposed to be fantastic. I had hopes and dreams for this year. I know it's early, but 2 big areas of my life have plateaued and here I stand. Searching.
Tommy and I have talked a lot about getting married this year. We attended the Salem Bridal Show earlier this year and even won a free engagement photo session with one of the featured photographers we liked! I know we're early on in the year, but things need to get booked and reserved! I thought we were actually moving forward with this, until Valentine's Day. Tommy pulled out a little jewelry box and I thought for sure he was about to propose - only to open the box to find earrings. It was a scene out of a bad romantic comedy. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because diamond earrings are an amazing gift, but I did feel a little teased by the timing of it all. Was he buying time for actually proposing or is he truly clueless? (I can talk about it now, because A. he never reads my blog and B. even if he checks my blog, he would see how long this post is and he would never read far enough into it to get to this point.) My heart broke a little. I feel like he doesn't get me. Those earrings were the first real jewelry gift I have ever received from a man, so why now? Why almost 4 years into our relationship, when all I can think and talk about is getting married and starting our lives together, would he chose that moment to give me something that comes in the same sized box as a ring?! When I cracked open that little box, I felt the word "Psych!" resonating in my head. If he was truly thinking of our future together, don't you think he would have at least said something about it? Like, "I know we've been talking a lot about getting married, and earrings probably weren't what you were expecting, but just know I'm working on that..." Or how about a nice card that said, "I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together, so instead of spending money on a silly gift, I put that money into the "wedding ring fund" so we can pick something out together soon..." Am I the only one who thinks like that? YES. Of course I was very appreciative and praised his efforts and told him they were lovely - fighting the urge of bursting into tears and throwing the box at his head, not to mention the massive sinus infection I had the whole Valentine's Day weekend which didn't make things any easier. Don't you love me? Don't you want to get married? Don't you want to spend the rest of our lives together? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who wants this now? It took me over 3 years to finally realize this, and now that I have expressed I'm ready - he's not. It shouldn't be this hard...
This situation inevitably kicked off a whole new round of insecurities, doubts, and questions for me. I've even had weird dreams about 'being in love' that leave me pondering them days later. I feel stuck and directionless. I feel God is trying to teach me a lesson in patience - which I am clearly struggling with. I'm sensing that I need to organize my priorities, I just don't know where to start. In the meantime, I will continue praying that God's grace, peace, and wisdom be granted especially in the quiet moments, so I can make it through yet another week...