Sometimes, God Says Wait...

With our breath held, we had our first fetal ultrasound today. My (hCG) numbers had been low, so we were proceeding with cautious optimism. There was no heartbeat. There was no gestational sac. There was no baby - just an empty uterus in smooth shades of grey on the black and white monitor. I had prepared myself for this news. I had a hunch. I know my body and deep down, I just knew. Game over this round. The doctor ran my bloodwork just one last time, and we left his office defeated. Empty.

About 4pm, the doctor called. My hCG level was well over 4,000! Being that there was no baby in my uterus - which would have been easy to find and see at this point, this was actually bad news. He is concerned about an ectopic or tubal pregnancy which would most likely result in surgical removal of the pregnancy as it is not viable or safe for me. There were other various scary things discussed, the possibility of a rupture, the possibility of losing the tube completely...etc. We really don't know anything until the follow-up ultrasound first thing Thursday morning. He wants me to fast Wednesday night, just in case he takes a peek on Thursday morning and the situation becomes urgent, and needs immediate action. If it can wait a day, he has tenatively reserved a spot in the O.R. at the hospital in Portland for me first thing Friday morning. It seems that it will be easier to deal with since we caught it this early, but again, we have no conclusive answers until the follow-up ultrasound and bloodwork on Thursday morning. If the numbers are dramatically lower, it could mean my body decided to take care of it on its own. Please. That is what we will hope and pray for at this point. However, I have been having cramping off and on on my left side. He said that could be a good or bad sign, but to call him day or night if the pain becomes unbearable and we'll go from there.

Sometimes God says "yes," sometimes "no," and sometimes he just says "WAIT!" I am feeling really confident in my waiting skills...a self-proclaimed expert, really. But despite the wait, the rocky journey, the emotional roller coaster, the unknowns, I know we have 15 back up embryos waiting for us. That gives me hope. I just have to get through this and wait a little longer and you know what, that's ok. I may not like it, or understand it, or really want to do it, but I accept it because God sees the big picture and my human, narrow, tunnel vision will only get me so far. He has a plan, I am choosing to believe that the wait will be worth it. I WILL hold those sweet, beautiful, perfect babies in my arms someday.

Not a tear was shed today. I am strong. This is my story; OUR story. We will wait. And it WILL be worth it.

Isaiah 40:31
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not grow faint."