Poppy Seeds

Yesterday was a surreal day.

I drove up to Portland bright and early with my mom who kept me company on the drive. The blood draw was really quick, but the drive was not, so it was nice to have conversation to take my mind off of the wait.

At 1:03pm, "Northwest Fertility" flashed on my caller I.D. Danny was standing close by as I answered with a shaking hand.

"Hello, Emily, it's Dr. Stoelk"...within these first 5 words, I could tell by his tone it was good news. I still nearly hyperventilated. Danny whispered something to the effect of, "calm down and breathe"...(I'm pretty sure I had my "ugly cry" face on at this moment)...He continued, "Congratulations, your pregnancy test was positive with nice and strong, high numbers!" Oh, thank God!!!!!! For those of you that understand the importance of these numbers: my hCG level was 176 and my progesterone was 37! To put it in perspective, last time my hCG was 16 and progesterone was a 4, and we all know how that ended. Anyway, Dr. Stoelk is a realist (which I really appreciate) and reminded me that it's still early and although these are solid, positive numbers, there's always a small chance of miscarriage as with any typical pregnancy.

As of today, I am 4 weeks pregnant! My baby(ies) are the size of a poppy seed! Speaking of poppy seeds, after my last blog in which a ranted about cake, my dear friend Lea showed up yesterday at the shoppe with a delicious piece of poppy seed cake from the Konditerei to celebrate! Bless her. It was just what I needed! Yes, NEEDED. Ok?! Haha. Anyway - here's a little chart that calculates a 5-day transfer...


Danny and I decided that Ty was old enough to decide how much he wanted to be included. Back in January when we miscarried, Ty was devastated. We talked about not telling him this time, but the kid is just too perceptive and nothing gets by those little ears. We asked him how much he wants to know this time...wait and be surprised when it was good news (like 2nd trimester safe) or did he want to know about our appointments and be included in the process - simplified to an 11 year old version, of course. He really thought about it and declared that he wanted to know...everything. Dates, tests, and results. Last night, we gave him this...

He was so excited he slipped it on right over his jammies. I washed it last night per his request and he proudly wore it to school today! He put in his "order" for twins - one of each, and I quote, "so I can have both a little brother and a little sister. That would be perfect." He is so sweet. I die. Danny on the other hand, is not hoping for twins, but at least we have a few more weeks until we need to worry about that :)

My progesterone levels were solid this time, but it is pretty standard to supplement additionally with fertility patients, so I will be on progesterone oil by intramuscular injection, daily, for about 6 more weeks. That needle goes ALL the way in, folks. This is not my favorite, but I'm happy to do it. Milly, the awesome nurse at our fertility clinic, drew targets on both sides of my hips yesterday with a Sharpie, so Danny can't miss. We went a little low the first time on our own and I am currently sporting a softball-sized bruise. The progesterone oil is a little brutal. My hips and the sides of my bum are very sore. If you see me hobbling around, this is why :) Nothing I can't handle though!


We have one more blood test tomorrow, just to make sure my hCG level doubles. After that, if things looks good there, it sounds like we wait a few weeks until our first fetal ultrasound in which we will be looking and listening for a heartbeat...or TWO!

Thank you for every prayer, every text, every word of encouragement. We feel blessed to already have such a huge support system - and our journey is really just beginning!

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

Embies x 2...

Tuesday, September 16th, was a big day. We did our first Frozen Embryo Transfer!

To be honest, the appointment itself was rather ordinary. We were in the office a total of 30 minutes, 20 of which was spent just laying flat afterwards. I was telling Danny, as significant and life-changing of an appointment that it is, it really is a very simple, mundane appointment! The transfer itself went so quickly, then he sends you on your way with a "see you next week"...what? It's that easy? No fan fair? No applause? No balloons? No cake? We just put 2 babies inside my body, people!! People keep asking me how I'm feeling? Well, to be honest, I feel nothing! Of course I wouldn't feel anything physically yet, but I don't really feel anything emotionally either. I'm driving in neutral. I suppose that's a good way of guarding my heart, but talk about anti-climactic! At least serve cake...

Anyway, speaking of cake - a FET is a total cake walk. No pain, no bloating, no injections, not much of anything. It was a classic, text book transfer, and for that we are grateful. Here's my doctor (love him!) pointing out the embryos in the tip of the catheter...it's really just a clear straw. Didn't even feel it!

And here are our beautiful, bouncing baby embies! Nestle in my darlings...snuggle up. Mama's got you...

The embryologist came out with our pictures and again explained what we were looking at. They can ALREADY tell the parts of an embryo. Keep in mind, these embryos are only 6 days old. I repeat: 6 days. They were originally fertilized December 5, 2013 and frozen on December 10th, after 5 days in an incubator doing their cellular division and multiplying. I had 15 embryos in the freezer, they took out 2, and the first 2 were these beauties. It only takes them about 40 minutes to thaw, so upon thawing, last Tuesday adds a day in embryo time, so they were 6 days old going in.

Here is a little info on what you're looking at. The embryologist said the one on the right hadn't fully plumped back up in this image, but by the time they entered the catheter, they both looked full and healthy like the one on the left.

You can see the mass of cells that actually becomes the baby. Can you say, MIRACLE? Amazing. Although, this journey hasn't been the most romantic and fun, I can say with certainty, it has been a fascinating one. I would do it again in a heart beat. Not everyone gets a picture of your babies as embryos!! #mindblown

Our first blood draw is Wednesday, the 24th and we'll know yes or no. If it's positive, we won't be able to tell if it's twins or a single pregnancy until about 6 weeks out. Danny is panicking, so we aren't using the "t" word, just yet. There is a 40% chance of twins however. I say, come what may - God knows what we can handle! He's saying...yes, and God knows we can only handle 1. We'll see, we'll see :)

June 28th...

Today would have been my due date if I had not miscarried from the fresh IVF cycle last December. It’s really hard to believe this much time has passed. There have been many ups and downs, but ultimately I have a peace knowing that that itty bitty baby wasn’t meant to be ours and God has a bigger and better plan for the future of our little family.

So much has happened in the last 9 months - but the biggest I’d say, is Danny leaving his job with T Mobile and working with me at the boutique all summer while he pursues a new career in real estate! I am so proud of him! He is going to ROCK it! He’s really excited about this transition too, so I know it was the right decision. Way to go, babe – you’re totally going to ACE the test and this career! I'm so proud that you are pursuing something new that you're excited about and you were courageous enough to step out and do it! It will be amazing!

With all of the exciting transitions happening over the summer, we decided to postpone all things “baby” until September. Well, the summer has flown by and September is just days away. We will head back up to Portland to see our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) in a couple of weeks for an ultrasound to see if my body is ready to proceed with the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). We were already given the projected date of our FET, but there are a few variables that could change this, so I will wait until after the ultrasound before I count on it.

Making the decision of when to proceed with this journey was not one we made lightly. I really wrestled with fear surrounding this decision this time around. Over the last several months, I have felt a certain weight or burden of responsibility in choosing when to continue. I’ve struggled feeling like I am in too much control of a situation that usually happens like a surprise naturally. I know beyond showing up and proceeding with the FET, we have no control whatsoever of the outcome. It might work, it might not. We know this going in. It’s in God’s hands. He sees the big picture. I do not. He knows my future child by name and what he/she will look like. I do not. He sees the full picture and the reason for this journey that he has pre-destined for us; the full story that he designed – just for us. I do know it will be beautiful and I know it will be better than I am capable of imagining for myself. I know that he promises to never give us more than we can handle and he promises to provide for us. I’m holding on to those promises and it has given me the peace I need to feel confident in moving forward next month.

As September approaches, I can say with certainty that excitement is finally starting to outweigh anxiety. After months of waiting, waiting, and more waiting, it’s starting to feel real! The funny thing is, the waiting really is just beginning…waiting for the FET, waiting for the first blood test, then another blood test, then possibly another, then the ultrasound for a heartbeat...and the list grows on. This is just the beginning!

I will post more frequently when there is news to post…most likely the second week of September. Thank you for the love and support and encouragement as we keep plugging along!

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.” Psalm 143:8

Waiting to Exhale.

Today I would have been 24 weeks pregnant - over half way there. We would know the gender, we would have started the nursery, I would have a nice round baby bump by now, but God had others plans. Tomorrow is our 2nd wedding anniversary and the 3rd anniversary from the day we met. Time has flown by, but at the same time we have been through so very much in our short time together, that it almost seems longer than that. Much longer. The last few months have been harder than I would have ever anticipated as we sensed God's work in our lives as we re-prioritize our marriage - bringing back into focus His plans for us as a couple first and foremost, and being a parent and step-parent to Ty, who just turned 11 by the way!

Going through IVF, quickly followed by a miscarriage is physically, emotionally, and spiritually straining and draining and it is so easy to quickly lose sight of each other in the thick of it. We needed some time to reconnect and refocus before jumping back in and taking the next step with bringing a baby into our little family. We don't honestly know the exact timing of things as we move forward, but we know God sees the bigger picture and has perfect timing for our family's future. I am learning to seek Him in all circumstances and trust His plan for our lives. He is teaching me daily - I repeat, DAILY - to rely on Him and that HE is in control, NOT ME. I have always been the type that likes to be in control and have a plan - "type A" if you will. Through this journey over the last several months, He has taught me so much about releasing that control to Him because truthfully, there's very little I am actually in control of anyway. Patience is a virtue. I am learning. I am not perfect, and some days I learn the hard way that I need to hand it over to Him and let Him do his job because all things work together for good. I am trying my best to seek His will and release it - casting my cares onto Him and praying for a little peace in the meantime as we continue to wait. He knows the desires of my heart more than anyone else, and I choose to believe His timing, His plan, and His purpose will be beautiful.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28.

April Transfers Brings May Babies...

Or February babies if you add 40 weeks :)

What a ride...

I think we've experienced a delay emotionally in our response to this process. After time to reflect upon the loss of our failed first IVF round, I think we've come to the conclusion we need to postpone the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer).

We need time to heal, time to grow closer as a couple, time to get excited about this again...not just getting pregnant, but what that looks like in perspective to growing our little family permanently, and the love we share to do it with.

Those of you who have never experienced IVF or other fertility treatments, may not understand the loss of excitement that can occur during this process. Of course having a baby is exciting and amazing, but there is so much more we have to do and go through to actually get there. I've mentioned in posts before how clinical and medically monitored this process is. It consumes you. You are charting, documenting, injecting...blood tests, googling every result - every number, every step. The goal is holding that sweet, tiny, beautiful baby in your arms, but until then as the doctor himself would tell you, there are no guarantees.

Ultimately, it's in God's perfect timing. We have no control over the outcome. We feel like waiting is the best thing to do in this moment and we will pick up where we left off at the end of April...just a few short months away. What's a few months in the scheme of life? It will fly by before you know it and we will be in a better space to move forward. FETs are so much easier than IVF. It will be something we can look forward to and I am confident God will renew our love and excitement for not only this baby, but grow us closer as a couple as we prepare for parenthood together :)

Silver Lining...

Today we headed back up to Portland for a more thorough ultrasound and another blood test following our inconclusive results from Tuesday. Dr. Stoelk was able to see what looked like a collapsed gestational sac in my uterus, so it seems as though I had a regular early miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy after all. This was really good news. My hCG level was dramatically lower too - from around 4,700, down to 1,300 in just 2 days. My body should pass the tissue out with my period soon and all of the cramping I've been experiencing is just my body preparing for that. It will get worse before it gets better. More waiting.

If I may be honest, after all of this - I feel like I'm actually doing really well with everything. Although I am disappointed that this round was not successful, I am relieved that surgery will not be necessary and that my body is doing what it needs to do. The doubts and the disconnect I have experienced throughout the entire process (that I have mentioned in previous posts), really have enabled the grieving process of this miscarriage to unfold gradually, leading up to Tuesday/today's appointment. It's hard to mourn the loss of something I never really felt I had in the first place. Some of you may not be able to understand that if you have experienced a miscarriage yourself, but with IVF - it's just a different, clinical process and this round never felt 'just right' to me. I don't mean to minimize its impact whatsoever, but for me - I was more prepared for it as a possibility - especially with how closely I was monitored, how low my numbers were, and how the doctor remained so conservative with his response to those low numbers. It wasn't a total shock - I had a feeling, and that suspicion was just confirmed with Tuesday's ultrasound. If you are one of my close friends, you know how cautious I was being with my excitement and how reserved I was about celebrating prematurely. Like a normal conception pregnancy, most women wait until nearly the 2nd trimester before publicly announcing anything. This was always a possibility as it is with all pregnancies, but when I made the decision to publicly blog this journey, I had to decide at the beginning that I would be honest about every step of the way - the good, the bad, and the ugly - despite the outcome.

My silver lining in all of this, is that I still have hope and believe I will hold my babies (yes, I said babies!) this year. Because my body seems to be doing what it needs to be right now, we should be able to do an FET (frozen embryo transfer) at the end of February. That's just next month! An FET is much easier than a fresh IVF cycle. No injections this time, no harvesting, just a couple of oral hormones a few weeks out. We have already agreed on using 2 embryos this time - especially now that OHSS is no longer a risk. As I have mentioned before, we have 15 embryos in the freezer waiting for us. We are lucky. That is many many more than most people have - IF they have back-ups at all! We are blessed with that hope! I am excited and optimistic for the future. I already have a peace about it. I know that peace is from God and he is telling me, "It's ok - I have it all figured out and you have to trust it's in my timing and it will be beautiful."

Sometimes, God Says Wait...

With our breath held, we had our first fetal ultrasound today. My (hCG) numbers had been low, so we were proceeding with cautious optimism. There was no heartbeat. There was no gestational sac. There was no baby - just an empty uterus in smooth shades of grey on the black and white monitor. I had prepared myself for this news. I had a hunch. I know my body and deep down, I just knew. Game over this round. The doctor ran my bloodwork just one last time, and we left his office defeated. Empty.

About 4pm, the doctor called. My hCG level was well over 4,000! Being that there was no baby in my uterus - which would have been easy to find and see at this point, this was actually bad news. He is concerned about an ectopic or tubal pregnancy which would most likely result in surgical removal of the pregnancy as it is not viable or safe for me. There were other various scary things discussed, the possibility of a rupture, the possibility of losing the tube completely...etc. We really don't know anything until the follow-up ultrasound first thing Thursday morning. He wants me to fast Wednesday night, just in case he takes a peek on Thursday morning and the situation becomes urgent, and needs immediate action. If it can wait a day, he has tenatively reserved a spot in the O.R. at the hospital in Portland for me first thing Friday morning. It seems that it will be easier to deal with since we caught it this early, but again, we have no conclusive answers until the follow-up ultrasound and bloodwork on Thursday morning. If the numbers are dramatically lower, it could mean my body decided to take care of it on its own. Please. That is what we will hope and pray for at this point. However, I have been having cramping off and on on my left side. He said that could be a good or bad sign, but to call him day or night if the pain becomes unbearable and we'll go from there.

Sometimes God says "yes," sometimes "no," and sometimes he just says "WAIT!" I am feeling really confident in my waiting skills...a self-proclaimed expert, really. But despite the wait, the rocky journey, the emotional roller coaster, the unknowns, I know we have 15 back up embryos waiting for us. That gives me hope. I just have to get through this and wait a little longer and you know what, that's ok. I may not like it, or understand it, or really want to do it, but I accept it because God sees the big picture and my human, narrow, tunnel vision will only get me so far. He has a plan, I am choosing to believe that the wait will be worth it. I WILL hold those sweet, beautiful, perfect babies in my arms someday.

Not a tear was shed today. I am strong. This is my story; OUR story. We will wait. And it WILL be worth it.

Isaiah 40:31
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not grow faint."