Silver Lining...

Today we headed back up to Portland for a more thorough ultrasound and another blood test following our inconclusive results from Tuesday. Dr. Stoelk was able to see what looked like a collapsed gestational sac in my uterus, so it seems as though I had a regular early miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy after all. This was really good news. My hCG level was dramatically lower too - from around 4,700, down to 1,300 in just 2 days. My body should pass the tissue out with my period soon and all of the cramping I've been experiencing is just my body preparing for that. It will get worse before it gets better. More waiting.

If I may be honest, after all of this - I feel like I'm actually doing really well with everything. Although I am disappointed that this round was not successful, I am relieved that surgery will not be necessary and that my body is doing what it needs to do. The doubts and the disconnect I have experienced throughout the entire process (that I have mentioned in previous posts), really have enabled the grieving process of this miscarriage to unfold gradually, leading up to Tuesday/today's appointment. It's hard to mourn the loss of something I never really felt I had in the first place. Some of you may not be able to understand that if you have experienced a miscarriage yourself, but with IVF - it's just a different, clinical process and this round never felt 'just right' to me. I don't mean to minimize its impact whatsoever, but for me - I was more prepared for it as a possibility - especially with how closely I was monitored, how low my numbers were, and how the doctor remained so conservative with his response to those low numbers. It wasn't a total shock - I had a feeling, and that suspicion was just confirmed with Tuesday's ultrasound. If you are one of my close friends, you know how cautious I was being with my excitement and how reserved I was about celebrating prematurely. Like a normal conception pregnancy, most women wait until nearly the 2nd trimester before publicly announcing anything. This was always a possibility as it is with all pregnancies, but when I made the decision to publicly blog this journey, I had to decide at the beginning that I would be honest about every step of the way - the good, the bad, and the ugly - despite the outcome.

My silver lining in all of this, is that I still have hope and believe I will hold my babies (yes, I said babies!) this year. Because my body seems to be doing what it needs to be right now, we should be able to do an FET (frozen embryo transfer) at the end of February. That's just next month! An FET is much easier than a fresh IVF cycle. No injections this time, no harvesting, just a couple of oral hormones a few weeks out. We have already agreed on using 2 embryos this time - especially now that OHSS is no longer a risk. As I have mentioned before, we have 15 embryos in the freezer waiting for us. We are lucky. That is many many more than most people have - IF they have back-ups at all! We are blessed with that hope! I am excited and optimistic for the future. I already have a peace about it. I know that peace is from God and he is telling me, "It's ok - I have it all figured out and you have to trust it's in my timing and it will be beautiful."