Worry, I Release You.

I wrote this on Tuesday - New Year's Eve; the morning of my 31st birthday. It was a day of discouragement and doubt. I chose not to post this at the time, but ended up saving it as a draft. Although I am in a better place today emotionally - feeling more encouraged and hopeful, I decided to post this anyway. This is all part of the journey. The ups, the downs - fear, doubt, and deliverance.

12/31/2013 - Today I sit here, full of doubt. Doubt that this pregnancy is viable. Last night, I took the liberty of looking up the average hCG levels for how far along I was at my last blood test - which was last Friday morning. I was 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The average hCG level was anywhere from 1,752-5,340. Mine was 688; considerably and dramatically lower. This could explain why the doctor has been so conservative and reserved about this pregnancy. This could also explain why I never developed OHSS - which he guaranteed I would get if a pregnancy came from this first round of IVF. It is possible that there is some growth of the gestational sac that is causing my numbers to increase, but when we go for my first ultrasound a week from today, that there won't be a heartbeat and that sac will be empty. It is also possible that there will be a baby in that sac and that baby will have a strong flutter of a heartbeat and there's really no explanation for why my numbers are as low as they are. We just don't know. I'm struggling with believing the latter today. I know I should believe, have faith, hold on to hope...but if I'm being honest here - which is the whole reason I decided to blog this journey in the first place, this is what I'm feeling today, now in my moment of weakness. Defeat.

One week. That wait seems like forever at this point, to know where we stand. In my mind, I feel that if I am aware of all possible outcomes - which I am, the better prepared I will be for the outcome of the ultrasound next Tuesday morning - baby or no baby, heartbeat or no heartbeat. I also know I serve a God who is BIG - so much bigger than my doubts. I am trying so hard to hold on to trusting that. Trust that God knows what he's doing regardless of the outcome. He has perfect timing, and a perfect plan for my life, our lives, this family. I am weak, I am discouraged, I am human. But I will do my best to let go of the worry and know it is what it is. It's out of my hands and always has been. I release it.