8/24

Happy Birthday, Dad! We miss you.

One Year.

Exactly one year ago today, this was my reality. I have been bracing myself for this day. This memory. This unavoidable, heart wrenching nightmare that has become the permanent certainty that my dad is gone. A year has passed since that fated night that I found him, although he died 3 days later. It's been 365 days and yet here I sit, still waiting for him to call. To email. To walk through the door. It's the little things I miss. His corny laugh when he would be talking to one of his closest friends or brothers. His quick little calls to 'check in' and see how the shop was doing or how my car was running. His nicknames for me - which are inside jokes and make no sense to the outside world or actually to me for that matter: "Zyzzybalubah" or "Jabroni," or just "Jabrone" for short. Now, Zyzzybalubah was a 1-time character on Pee Wee's Playhouse...why this nickname stuck, I have NO idea. It's not even a female character, so I'm rather confused. He thought Pee Wee Herman was hilarious, so he would watch it with us on Saturday mornings - which often times would evoke that corny laugh I mentioned a moment ago. I never got it, but man, something struck a chord in him - especially that scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure when Pee Wee jumps up on the table and dances in white patent leather platform shoes, haha. Whatever, Dad. I remember it like it was yesterday, but in the same breath, these simple, little sweet and funny memories are fleeting.

I sit here typing this, and appropriately playing as my Ella Fitzgerald cd loops, "My Heart Belongs to Daddy"...kismet.

How would my life be different if my dad was still here? I'm not sure - more complete, perhaps. Maybe I would not have bought the boutique, maybe I still would have. Maybe I would have bought a house instead. He always told me I needed to buy a house. "Renting is like throwing money down a rat hole"...I hear ya, dad. I know. Maybe he would be living with me in that house. Who knows. Life is short and under-appreciated until it's ripped from your presence. It's STILL sinking in. I know I can't focus on what could have been, what should have been...only what's going to be. He won't be around for the unseen future - to walk me down the aisle, to hold my chubby brown-eyed babies, to see me flourish in love and life - but I can hear him in my heart and feel him in my spirit. He's up there watching over me, and proud.

Monday, Paul (my brother) and I are going to head up to Portland and celebrate him. We haven't totally pinned down the day, but it will most likely involve bridge-walking, bocci ball, and gelatto - a few of my dad's favorite things. It won't be the same without him, but it will be a good time to reflect upon our fond and fun memories...like this little trip over to Newport earlier last year. This is the last picture I took of him and one of the last times I saw him. Next time I'm back in Newport, I will order a "Panty Dropper" at the Rogue Brewery Bar and Grill and think fondly of how embarrassed I was ordering that the last time we were together :)

Portland or BUST.

Last Wednesday was Danny's birthday. After we both got off work, we headed up to Portland for the night. It was so fun to get out of Salem for a day and and spend some quality time together. We hit up Portland City Grill for a few unique appetizers and delicious drinks - complete with an amazing nighttime view of Portland's city scape.
Thursday was a beautiful day spent hand-in-hand exploring the city. We lunched at the food cart block - an entire city block designated and lined with truck after truck serving up the most delicious ethnic dishes you can imagine. It's probably the only place in the whole city where within 10 feet of each other, you can order up Japanese Yakisoba noodles and a Greek gyro - which was amazing, btw :) We walked down along the waterfront as well, and ended up joining the walking tour of Portland - a tour that focuses on the history of the city, scandals and all...ending up underground with a visual of the "Shanghai Tunnels." Creepy in a sense, but totally interesting.
The day evaporated from under us, and reality returned sending us back to Salem. It was such a great time spent together; I can't wait for our next adventure! Happy Birthday, Love :)

The view from our couch at Portland City Grill (pardon the window glare)

Silver Creek Falls, 8-2-11.

As Oregonians, we are lucky to live in a state with some of the lushest, most amazing natural scenery that exists. Tuesday, Danny, Ty, and I took a little day trip to Silver Creek Falls. It was a perfect 74 degrees, and so we took advantage and hiked a huge loop around several of the water falls! I'm no photog, but here's a little peek of our excursion :)

My Noah.

Have you seen the movie (or for you sophisticated peeps out there, read) "The Notebook"...? This movie depicts a boy named Noah, who falls passionately in love with a girl named Ali one summer - pursuing her endlessly, until she agrees to go out with him, only to fall head-over-heels in love with him in return. Summer winds to an end and they are separated by their social differences, only to be reunited years later, realizing they had never stopped loving each other. They live a long and happy life together. The movie ends with them both dying in each others embrace in their sleep together one night. Although the end is sweetly sad, the story of their love is truly beautiful. A story of love, that everyone wants, and hopes exists somewhere out there in this great, big world.

Today, I was told, "You are my Ali."

Allow me to introduce to you, my Noah...also known as, Danny :)



Sorry Babes...I know you'll read this and attempt to leave me a "snarky" comment, but the time has come. You are too sensational not to share with the WORLD - or the 10 people who follow my blog, including yourself or course! Just let it be.

..."If you're a bird, then I'm a bird."



I love you :)

Mr. Darcy.

I stumbled upon this fabulous quote from Pride and Prejudice. A quote from Mr. Darcy's proposal, no less. It struck me, so I thought I'd share.

...in vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you...

Speaking of Mr. Darcy...


What is it about that time period that makes me swoon? The romantic clothing, the old English gardens, the intricate architecture of the era - rich in red brick, crown molding, and delicately paned windows. I love it all. A time of simplicity - no electronics, no motorized transportation, no distractions. I imagine a elegant dinner party complete with silver candelabras set upon a heavy table adorned with cream linens, silver flatware and crystal stemware - toasting to happiness, prosperity, and love with French champagne, and not a single cell phone in sight.

Perhaps it is time for a holiday in the countryside, next to the lavender fields and willow trees...


Needless to say, this purchase had to happen...thank you, Etsy.
Thank goodness this quote now has personal meaning. *Happy sigh* :)

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

un·con·di·tion·al:
–adjective 1. not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.

Life's journey is a tricky one. God grants us the gift of free will. I do the best I can with this gift, trying ever so carefully not to abuse or misuse it. It is human to error. Life happens, lessons are learned. What trumps human error? Grace and the capacity to set judgmental instincts aside - and love anyway.

love:
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

The last several weeks have truly been eye opening. I have been loved unconditionally, I have been loved conditionally, and I have lost based on those conditions. Conditions I didn't even realize existed until judgments surfaced and friends, family or otherwise decided their opinions are more accurate and validating for my future than my own happiness.

Friends, family, and total strangers have told me how proud my Dad was of me. He was proud of my life, my beauty, my strength as a woman, as a Christian, and in my success AND failures of my career endeavors. I can hear him saying now - even as a man of few words, "I raised a good kid and I'm proud of you, Em." It didn't matter if I was living in Oregon or in Arizona 1200 miles away, he told me he was proud of me...even if I wasn't proud of myself, whatever current situation I had found myself in - be it love, career, or otherwise. HE loved me. HE believed in me. HE told me I could do anything and everything I wanted to. HE was proud. I took this for granted. I had no idea how much I would need to hear those genuine words again from a parent! He will never see me carry on my life making those choices and decisions that God's gift of free will enables us to make. He can't see me fall in love, walk me down the isle, or hold my babies. I had no idea the absence I would feel over this. I want him to be a part of seeing me flourish and grow when life works, and also when it doesn't and I've failed and learned. Either way, he would have encouraged the journey.

On Father's Day, my brother and I went over to eastern Oregon and laid his ashes to rest in the water at the Head of the Metolius River, per his request. A total lack of direction through the grieving process occurred and I was left wondering how SHOULD I feel? What am I supposed to do now? A somber feeling swept over me. I can't pick up the phone and gush about my life to him anymore. He would take the time listen, and then in true "dad" fashion ask how my car was running or how the shop was. Sometimes our conversations would be only approximately 45 seconds! I never fathomed I would miss those seconds, like I do now. I miss them because of the unconditional love behind them. He just wanted me to be happy and now he's not even here to see it happening.

Good bye, Dad. I wish you could know how much I miss you.